Announcer: Hello everyone and welcome to another exciting edition of Fed To a Tiger! With your host ... Cougar!
[applause, Cougar enters stage right]
Cougar: Yeah here we are! I'm feeling great tonight. Great audience tonight thanks for coming everyone. Thank you thank you. You are too kind thank you everyone. Okay so you know why we're all here right? Gonna feed some smarmy tool to the tiger and everything like that. Everyone knows the drill. More to it than that however. See what we are going to do is ... oh you are going to love this! ... feed an entire corporation to the tiger!
[ooohs and aaaahs]
Cougar: Yeah sounds interesting don't it! Our very own Kahli is going to have a simple meal -- not much more than a snack really -- and in the course of doing so she is going to bring down one of the great icons of global financial bullshit. No less a light than ... Goldman Sachs! Yes that's right Goldman Sachs. So the reporters are in the audience, you guys are ready to report on this momentous occassion? Got your cell phones all warmed up? Great you guys are the best beers on me later. Okay Ben send in our sacrificial lamb.
Announcer: Representing Goldman Sachs -- Mr. Lloyd Blankfein!
[LB enters stage left]
[applause]
Cougar: Have a seat sir. Thank you for joining us on Fed to a Tiger.
LB: It's great to be here. I understand there is some kind of business deal you would like to propose.
Cougar: A deal yes, though maybe more of a bet but you're going to love it. Our production company operates an investment subsidiary called Catattack Ventures LLC which recently entered into a very large series of contracts with your bank Goldman Sachs through its various shadowy subsidiaries and front companies. The gearing is quite attractive -- many trillions of dollars notional -- but the final cash value is $68. We just need you here on the set to make the deal valid. I assume you can take the $68 in small change?
LB: Sure that's fine. Sounds interesting please describe the deal.
Cougar: Well Mr. Blankfein what we've done is take out a few small bets at astronomical odds on whether or not you sir might be eaten by a tiger over a certain 24 hour period that is going to end in ... well let's see end in a little under 10 minutes from now.
LB: Eaten by a tiger? Me?
Cougar: That's correct sir. Sometime in the next 10 minutes.
LB: Seems unlikely.
Cougar: Unlikely yes. One might even say -- impossible. Just way out there. Obviously it's easy money for a big underwriter like Goldman Sachs, even at the odds. Easy pickings but shucks if someone wants to take out a silly insurance policy like that on Lloyd Blankfein then heck take their money right?
LB: I would, certainly.
Cougar: Even if it's regarding your own gruesome though seemingly unlike death by mauling.
LB: Sure why not. Easy money.
Cougar: You all heard him folks, he'll take the money at the odds. What a player! We were really counting on that being your attitude. And through the circular financial dealings of Goldman Sachs you have in fact taken out insurance on yourself against that exact unlikely scenario. But wait there's more! Through the miracles of rehypothecation, leverage and collaterization we were able to parlay $68 in loose change we found around bus stops and under sofas into a $3.2 trillion notional chain of insurance bets on the unlikely event of you sir being eaten by a tiger.
LB: By a tiger, in the next 9 minutes. Thank you for giving me your money, I will treasure it always.
Cougar: After everything settles it will have been $68 worth of profit. In small change. Means that much to you.
LB: Oh yes. Free money for me. I'll take it. And thank you for your business.
[laughter]
Cougar: Thank you sir for playing along. What a sport. Let's see we need to kill some time ... oh I know how about you tell us how Goldman Sachs makes money? By that I mean big money not $68 in loose change.
LB: Our bank acts as broker connecting clients on large deals, we make money in fees.
Cougar: By clients you mean muppets, right? I think that is the technical term used these days.
LB: Yes muppets if you prefer.
Cougar: In addition to fees for creating portfolios for clients you take out huge bets on how some of those very deals will fail later.
LB: That's allowed.
Cougar: Yes it is, very handy. Certainly people trust the good name of Goldman Sachs what could go wrong. You guys would never -- well let's say set up a portfolio for a client that you know will fail outright at some point and then take out insurance against that very event.
LB: I don't really know what that means. Could you ask the question another way?
Cougar: Would you rig a deal for a client to blow up on them, and then make a side bet that it would blow up as expected?
LB: I don't really see how that works. I guess I don't understand the question.
Cougar: Didn't mean to put you on the spot. Let's talk about Basis Capital shall we? Australian bank, bought into your "Timberwolf" deal. Your own managers knew Timberwolf was going to blow up yet you convinced Basis to buy $100 million US worth of smouldering ruin saying that their return on investment ought to be 60%.
LB: Might have been.
Cougar: In some parallel universe maybe. Your own people said and I quote -- boy that timberwolf was one shitty deal -- end quote.
LB: Might have worked out you never know.
Cougar: Sure given time, might have. But just sixteen days after you sold the deal on margin to Basis, you made a margin call against them for $37 million cold cash. Sixteen days, not much time to turn around that shitty deal you fisted them off with.
LB: That's allowed.
Cougar: Yes it is. And Basis Capital immediately went bankrupt as a result. Wait wait let me guess -- that's allowed.
LB: Yes it is.
Cougar: I get it I get it. Well played sir. So AIG goes bust during the 2008 financial meltdown too bad say good bye except -- no wait what is this! -- Goldman Sachs has an investment at risk. Happily former Goldman Sachs CEO Hank Paulson is the US Treasury Secretary so AIG get's bailed out by the tax-payers -- TARP was the biggest financial sector bailout in the history of money -- and that bailout money is funneled straight into Goldman Sachs who comes out ahead of everyone else. $13 billion large. I bet you liked that part.
LB: We had insurance on AIG so it didn't matter. But sure, why not.
Cougar: Insurance you say? Oh that reminds me -- how much time do we have left? Four minutes?
LB: Hmm -- I don't see any tigers either. You have that $68 on you?
Cougar: Yeah it's a long shot we know. Anyway moving on. In 2010 your firm settled a lawsuit brought by the SEC, wherein you were accused of fraudulently selling package deals labelled as investment grade to buyers without telling them the deals were known shitty and would blow up later. $550 million out of pocket on that one -- ouchie -- highest profile fraud case in US history. And you paid it. Wrote them a check.
LB: But the entire fine paid was only 5% of profits. And tax-deductable. We had already raked in the $13 billion on the AIG bailout caper, paying the $550 million took media attention off that at a useful time and made our friends at the SEC look good at nearly no overall cost to us. All said one of the best structured deals that year.
Cougar: Is that right! What a world. In the Abacus deal you pretended to select assets for the tranche to be sold to investors in a CDO, when actually you allowed John Paulson -- that name again I wonder if they are related -- allowed John Paulson to select the assets he wanted in it, in particular really nasty shit that would blow up quickly. Then having lit the fuse Johnny took out insurance against the expected explosion. Goldman made money on the deal, Hanky Panky Janky Paulson collected on his insurance, and who knows how many investors had their faces ripped off. Would you care to comment on that?
[LB & Cougar together]: That's allowed.
[applause and laughter]
Cougar: The audience is getting a kick out of this, Lloyd. So on account of all these kinds of shady shenanigans Goldman Sachs has been described as -- and I will quote Matt Taibbi here -- a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.
LB: You're not going to stiff me for the 68 bucks are you?
Cougar: Oh now I see how it is -- never cheat a cheater isn't that it?
LB: I prefer it that way yes. Well I think the time is up, your insurance has lapsed. Pay me.
Cougar: You know what that clock runs a little fast. Ah and there's my girl now.
[tigress Kahli walks on stage right]
[thunderous applause]
Cougar: [scratching Kahli on head] How's Kahli tonight huh is she hungry for some fresh bankster yes she is. So I think we have about 1 minute left here I just want to say thank you for joining us on the set tonight Mr. Blankfein.
LB: That's a tiger.
Cougar: Yes it is. Whodathunkit.
LB: You have an actual tiger show up to eat me with a few seconds to go. Quite a setup, I am genuinely impressed. Well done.
Cougar: You really think so? Oh wow I'm honored I truly am. Hey everyone you hear that Lloyd Blankfein liked my work! And he's probably the master at creating unnecessarily cruel, duplicitous, back-stabbing setups! I'm -- well thank you sir. That was very kind.
LB: Oh and look, with that it seems the time is gone and the deal is bust. Pay up chump.
Cougar: That clock is really fast. We have enough time for Kahli here to -- kill the mutherfucker!
[Kahli accelerates and hits LB in chair with a roar. screaming and sound of furniture breaking]
Cougar: Well she's quick about it let's give her that. From zero to completely insane in under two seconds. So is he dead? Is the fucker dead yet we're in a time crunch here. Can someone verify if he's a gonner?
Announcer: I think the contract with Goldman Sachs was that Lloyd be eaten by a tiger.
Cougar: Come on that's just a technicality. Oh hey you see that she's eating him. Are we in under the limit? We are?! Fantastic! Okay reporter types you do your thing.
[two dozen reporters running from studio toward phones in the lobby]
Cougar: Try to imagine it. Against all odds -- really astronomical odds -- Lloyd Blankfein CEO of Goldman Sachs, probably the most influential investment bank the world has ever known and just maybe the most influential anything the world has ever known -- has just now been eaten by a tiger. A real tiger. Well maybe just a bite at the moment but eating is eaten!
Announcer: Which should quickly unwind $3.2 trillion notional of bets and positions that will completely financially disembowel Goldman Sachs and maybe half of the global economy in the process. In probably less than a day. Good job everyone!
Cougar: Yeah just splendid. Now tell them the best part Ben.
Announcer: Everyone who contributed to getting Lloyd Blankfein on the set will receive via postal carrier a small, freeze-dried piece of Mr. Blankfein as tiger excrement. Courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.
Cougar: That's right, real Lloyd Blankfein as cat shit. Have him bronzed. Flush him down the toilet. Or -- no wait here's an idea -- embed him in resin and sell him on EBay at a nice profit. And if you can manage it some how screw the trusting buyer, then sell Lloyd to multiple buyers at once, then while they are all waiting for delivery use Lloyd as leverage to buy a Porsche on credit with nothing down, drive off with the Porsche with Lloyd on the dashboard, and if anyone pitches a fuss have the US military drone their middle-class butts! You know he'd be proud of you!
Announcer: In the world of high finances, it's all good. So until next time don't let yourself be...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kahli's collar by Raging Madness of Los Angeles. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious, any resemblance to any real greedy power-crazed asshole sociopath as strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Mr. Blankfein and Goldman Sachs a profitable year, but if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger and destroyed the global economy in a wild-assed bet, we absolutely would have.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Judge Mark Ciavarella is fed to a tiger
Announcer: Hello everyone. It's time again for another exciting edition of Fed to a Tiger tonight with your special guest host the always beautiful and sometimes deadly ... Fortran!
[applause and whistles]
[Fortran enters stage right]
Fortran: Oh-em-gee! I am so happy to be here! Hello everyone. What a lovely audience. Thank you. This is going to be sooooo much fun!
[cheers]
Fortran: I'll be sitting in today for Cougar. And because Kahli is away as well I've invited my dearest friend and sister-at-arms on the set with me tonight to help kill someone. And you know what a useful kitty she is when it comes to casual murder. Please give a huge hand to the mighty -- Diamond Darkatana!
[applause and cheering]
[Diamond walks on stage left, waving into crowd]
[Fortran and Diamond hug and Diamond takes a chair]
[Fortran folds her wings and sits behind host's desk]
Fortran: You look great Di. Thanks for joining me on the set. Hey are those new boots?
Diamond: They are, do you like them? They come from Australia and are supposed to be made out of real kangaroo.
Fortran: But ... kangaroos are so cute! Please send them back.
[laughter]
Diamond: I hate to break this to you but sending the boots back won't return the kangaroo to life.
[more laughter]
Fortran: You know on reflection I could have someone else on the set who isn't quite so much of a butt head.
Diamond: I love you too. So where exactly are Cougar and Kahli tonight? Out having drinks or something?
Fortran: No they were making a round of visits to local elementary schools today and couldn't be on the set.
Diamond: Is that right. You know for all my faults I have never once eaten a child.
Fortran: They are not there to eat anyone, ditz. God you are so sick. It's Earth Day and Kahli is out there representing endangered species.
Diamond: Earth Day huh? Hey I'm an endangered animal too so you have to be nice to me today.
Fortran: Being endangered won't prevent me from setting you on fire so you better behave.
[laughter and applause]
Diamond: Just wait until my buddies at PETA are done with you. You'll see.
Fortran: And while we're on the subject of insane sick-o's ... our special guest tonight made millions of dollars for himself selling children into private for-profit prison.
[boos and hisses]
Fortran: Oh sure you're like that now but I bet you change your opinion of the man after my sister is done with him.
[laughter and cheers]
Fortran: Exactly. So without further delay please help me give a sticky blood-on-your-hands welcome to ... former Pennsylvania juvenile court judge Mark Ciavarella Junior!
[loud applause, Mr. Mark Ciavarella walks on stage right]
Fortran: Welcome Mr. Ciavarella! Welcome to Fed to a Tiger! So good of you to join us. We're very pleased. Have a seat ... no Diamond please sit down.
MC: Thank you for having me on the show. Been looking forward to it.
Fortran: You have really? Amazing. So I guess you didn't get the memo.
MC: Uh ... what memo?
Fortran: The memo explaining how you are going to be fed to an actual ... Diamond be still ... look let's skip it for now. Sister seems to be in a hurry ... for some reason.
Diamond: Just could be really hungry maybe?
[laughter]
Fortran: Shut up. So Mr. Ciavarella explain to the audience how it was you got into the business of railroading children into a private for-profit prison?
MC: It didn't happen that way. It's all been a tragic misunderstanding.
Fortran: And yet your confederate in the crime plead guilty.
MC: That's not admisable in court.
Fortran: This isn't that kind of court sir and we'll admit whatever the fuck evidence we want so shut your pie hole. Is that okay?
[loud applause]
MC: I think I'll be leaving ...
[MC gets up to depart]
[Diamond produces a black .45 calibre semi-auto and points it at MC]
MC: Jesus Christ!
Fortran: You should be so lucky ... no it's a lot worse than that actually. This is Diamond Darkatana, devouring goddess and destroyer of the world of men. She's taken some time out of her busy schedule murdering useless shitheads special to join us on the set. And I believe she's so hungry right now she can't even think straight. Isn't that right sweety?
Diamond: Straight think to cannot begin even. But I can shoot just fine.
[laughter and cheers]
Fortran: You really should sit down Mark before she puts a bullet through your fat head.
[MC sits down]
Fortran: That's better. So where were we oh yes ... evidence. According to court records you either accepted or extorted ... not sure which is worse really ... millions of dollars in kickbacks from PA Child Care ... what a sweet name for a children's prison seriously what deranged madman comes up with this crap ... kickbacks in appreciation for helping them keeping their prison beds full of children some as young a 10 years old.
MC: Those were convicted juvenile prisoners.
Fortran: Who you took into your court without legal representation and extracted terrified and confused confessions from. Isn't that right?
MC: The rules of juvenile court differ from adult courts.
[boos and jeers]
Fortran: Well guess what asshole ... Diamond sit down! ... the higher courts disagreed. After everyone figured out your scam essentially all of those convictions -- 4,000 worth -- were overturned as soon as your perfidy was revealed. After some bake sales and fund raisers many of them along with their families are right here in this audience waiting for the moment you are fed to the tiger. How about you take this final opportunity to say how sorry you are?
MC: I was doing the work of the court and will not appologize!
[loud bang as Diamond fires a round from .45 semi-auto]
[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]
Fortran: Diamond I wasn't finished with him.
Diamond: He's not even dead. Look I'll put him back ... uppsy daisy! You sit right here until sister is finished with you ... hey stop making so much noise it can't hurt that much. Just shut up already. Okay asshole ...
[Diamond hits MC with fist so hard he almost falls out of chair again]
Fortran: Diamond he can't answer questions with a broken jaw.
[Diamond returns to seat]
Diamond: He wasn't giving very useful answers anyway. Do carry on.
Fortran: Fine. So Mr. Ciavarella after your conviction and being sentences to 28 years in prison you were overheard complaining that the U.S. Assistant Attorney Gordon Zubrod ruined your career for no reason. We're thinking that you have 4,000 unjust convictions overturned is pretty much the end of your career anyway. What do you intend to do about it?
[loud bang as Diamond again fires .45 semi-auto]
[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]
[thunderous applause]
Fortran: Diamond darling, you're wrecking it for me.
Diamond: Then don't invite me on the set next time.
[MC screaming and pleading for mercy]
Fortran: The show is called Fed to a Tiger so I needed an actual tiger. Wouldn't hurt you to cooperate a little.
Diamond: Look I'm not as patient as Kahli, okay? Can I just kill this sorry piece of shit now?
[cheering]
Fortran: Seems like the audience has had enough of him. Yeah sure go ahead.
[Diamond crosses stage picks up MC by back of coat]
Diamond: Say hi to that other useless fuck Joe Stalin for me won't you?
[Diamond hits MC in stomach so hard her arm goes right through him and out the back]
[MC wide eyed with shock gurgling death rattle]
[loud applause and cheering]
Fortran: Ooooh I like it.
Diamond: He's still alive. Well a little. What to set him on fire?
Fortran: [shaking head slowly] Nah. Do it.
[Diamond lifting MC to jaws and with fangs rips out throat blood runs everywhere]
[MC dies]
[loud sustained thunderous applause]
[Diamond lets MC slide off arm onto floor, produces hunting knife from behind her back]
Diamond: Time to feed the kitty.
Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, hosted by Fortran with the huntress Diamond standing in for Kahli. Our special guest was former judge Mark Ciavarella, greedy larcenous bastard and all around total asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the young victims of his racketeering and their families. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Ciavarella after he has been reduced to a bucket of Diamond's excrement.
Diamond: Hey I told you last time that's nasty and you are not getting any of my shit.
Fortran: That would be a first.
Diamond: Shut up, slut.
Fortran: She's always grumpy like this at feeding time.
Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Fortran's outfit by Bebe. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to a real asshole judge abusing the juvenile justice system for personal profit is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Mr. Mark Ciavarella Jr. and pleasant stay in prison where hopefully he will contemplate ways he might mend the many lives he has destroyed. But frankly if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
[applause and whistles]
[Fortran enters stage right]
Fortran: Oh-em-gee! I am so happy to be here! Hello everyone. What a lovely audience. Thank you. This is going to be sooooo much fun!
[cheers]
Fortran: I'll be sitting in today for Cougar. And because Kahli is away as well I've invited my dearest friend and sister-at-arms on the set with me tonight to help kill someone. And you know what a useful kitty she is when it comes to casual murder. Please give a huge hand to the mighty -- Diamond Darkatana!
[applause and cheering]
[Diamond walks on stage left, waving into crowd]
[Fortran and Diamond hug and Diamond takes a chair]
[Fortran folds her wings and sits behind host's desk]
Fortran: You look great Di. Thanks for joining me on the set. Hey are those new boots?
Diamond: They are, do you like them? They come from Australia and are supposed to be made out of real kangaroo.
Fortran: But ... kangaroos are so cute! Please send them back.
[laughter]
Diamond: I hate to break this to you but sending the boots back won't return the kangaroo to life.
[more laughter]
Fortran: You know on reflection I could have someone else on the set who isn't quite so much of a butt head.
Diamond: I love you too. So where exactly are Cougar and Kahli tonight? Out having drinks or something?
Fortran: No they were making a round of visits to local elementary schools today and couldn't be on the set.
Diamond: Is that right. You know for all my faults I have never once eaten a child.
Fortran: They are not there to eat anyone, ditz. God you are so sick. It's Earth Day and Kahli is out there representing endangered species.
Diamond: Earth Day huh? Hey I'm an endangered animal too so you have to be nice to me today.
Fortran: Being endangered won't prevent me from setting you on fire so you better behave.
[laughter and applause]
Diamond: Just wait until my buddies at PETA are done with you. You'll see.
Fortran: And while we're on the subject of insane sick-o's ... our special guest tonight made millions of dollars for himself selling children into private for-profit prison.
[boos and hisses]
Fortran: Oh sure you're like that now but I bet you change your opinion of the man after my sister is done with him.
[laughter and cheers]
Fortran: Exactly. So without further delay please help me give a sticky blood-on-your-hands welcome to ... former Pennsylvania juvenile court judge Mark Ciavarella Junior!
[loud applause, Mr. Mark Ciavarella walks on stage right]
Fortran: Welcome Mr. Ciavarella! Welcome to Fed to a Tiger! So good of you to join us. We're very pleased. Have a seat ... no Diamond please sit down.
MC: Thank you for having me on the show. Been looking forward to it.
Fortran: You have really? Amazing. So I guess you didn't get the memo.
MC: Uh ... what memo?
Fortran: The memo explaining how you are going to be fed to an actual ... Diamond be still ... look let's skip it for now. Sister seems to be in a hurry ... for some reason.
Diamond: Just could be really hungry maybe?
[laughter]
Fortran: Shut up. So Mr. Ciavarella explain to the audience how it was you got into the business of railroading children into a private for-profit prison?
MC: It didn't happen that way. It's all been a tragic misunderstanding.
Fortran: And yet your confederate in the crime plead guilty.
MC: That's not admisable in court.
Fortran: This isn't that kind of court sir and we'll admit whatever the fuck evidence we want so shut your pie hole. Is that okay?
[loud applause]
MC: I think I'll be leaving ...
[MC gets up to depart]
[Diamond produces a black .45 calibre semi-auto and points it at MC]
MC: Jesus Christ!
Fortran: You should be so lucky ... no it's a lot worse than that actually. This is Diamond Darkatana, devouring goddess and destroyer of the world of men. She's taken some time out of her busy schedule murdering useless shitheads special to join us on the set. And I believe she's so hungry right now she can't even think straight. Isn't that right sweety?
Diamond: Straight think to cannot begin even. But I can shoot just fine.
[laughter and cheers]
Fortran: You really should sit down Mark before she puts a bullet through your fat head.
[MC sits down]
Fortran: That's better. So where were we oh yes ... evidence. According to court records you either accepted or extorted ... not sure which is worse really ... millions of dollars in kickbacks from PA Child Care ... what a sweet name for a children's prison seriously what deranged madman comes up with this crap ... kickbacks in appreciation for helping them keeping their prison beds full of children some as young a 10 years old.
MC: Those were convicted juvenile prisoners.
Fortran: Who you took into your court without legal representation and extracted terrified and confused confessions from. Isn't that right?
MC: The rules of juvenile court differ from adult courts.
[boos and jeers]
Fortran: Well guess what asshole ... Diamond sit down! ... the higher courts disagreed. After everyone figured out your scam essentially all of those convictions -- 4,000 worth -- were overturned as soon as your perfidy was revealed. After some bake sales and fund raisers many of them along with their families are right here in this audience waiting for the moment you are fed to the tiger. How about you take this final opportunity to say how sorry you are?
MC: I was doing the work of the court and will not appologize!
[loud bang as Diamond fires a round from .45 semi-auto]
[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]
Fortran: Diamond I wasn't finished with him.
Diamond: He's not even dead. Look I'll put him back ... uppsy daisy! You sit right here until sister is finished with you ... hey stop making so much noise it can't hurt that much. Just shut up already. Okay asshole ...
[Diamond hits MC with fist so hard he almost falls out of chair again]
Fortran: Diamond he can't answer questions with a broken jaw.
[Diamond returns to seat]
Diamond: He wasn't giving very useful answers anyway. Do carry on.
Fortran: Fine. So Mr. Ciavarella after your conviction and being sentences to 28 years in prison you were overheard complaining that the U.S. Assistant Attorney Gordon Zubrod ruined your career for no reason. We're thinking that you have 4,000 unjust convictions overturned is pretty much the end of your career anyway. What do you intend to do about it?
[loud bang as Diamond again fires .45 semi-auto]
[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]
[thunderous applause]
Fortran: Diamond darling, you're wrecking it for me.
Diamond: Then don't invite me on the set next time.
[MC screaming and pleading for mercy]
Fortran: The show is called Fed to a Tiger so I needed an actual tiger. Wouldn't hurt you to cooperate a little.
Diamond: Look I'm not as patient as Kahli, okay? Can I just kill this sorry piece of shit now?
[cheering]
Fortran: Seems like the audience has had enough of him. Yeah sure go ahead.
[Diamond crosses stage picks up MC by back of coat]
Diamond: Say hi to that other useless fuck Joe Stalin for me won't you?
[Diamond hits MC in stomach so hard her arm goes right through him and out the back]
[MC wide eyed with shock gurgling death rattle]
[loud applause and cheering]
Fortran: Ooooh I like it.
Diamond: He's still alive. Well a little. What to set him on fire?
Fortran: [shaking head slowly] Nah. Do it.
[Diamond lifting MC to jaws and with fangs rips out throat blood runs everywhere]
[MC dies]
[loud sustained thunderous applause]
[Diamond lets MC slide off arm onto floor, produces hunting knife from behind her back]
Diamond: Time to feed the kitty.
Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, hosted by Fortran with the huntress Diamond standing in for Kahli. Our special guest was former judge Mark Ciavarella, greedy larcenous bastard and all around total asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the young victims of his racketeering and their families. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Ciavarella after he has been reduced to a bucket of Diamond's excrement.
Diamond: Hey I told you last time that's nasty and you are not getting any of my shit.
Fortran: That would be a first.
Diamond: Shut up, slut.
Fortran: She's always grumpy like this at feeding time.
Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Fortran's outfit by Bebe. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to a real asshole judge abusing the juvenile justice system for personal profit is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Mr. Mark Ciavarella Jr. and pleasant stay in prison where hopefully he will contemplate ways he might mend the many lives he has destroyed. But frankly if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Jon Corzine is Fed to a Tiger
Announcer: She's big. She's bad. She's all over stripes and hungry enough to eat a cow! Please give a kind greeting to our resident goddess the tigress Kali, and her co-host ... Cougar! Here for ...Fed to a Tiger!
[applause]
[Cougar walks on with tigress Kali on a leash]
Cougar: Hello everyone great to see you hello. Say hello to the nice people Kali. See that tail wave? She said hello. What a cat. What an animal. What a homicidal maniac.
[laughter and applause]
Cougar: We have a great show in store for everyone. You are simply going to love it. We have Kali right here and she is probably going to rip the lungs right out of our next guest. That okay with you?
[sustained applause]
Cougar: Great just great, I'll take that show of enthusiasm as a huge yes. Because you already know who's coming on, right? All together now ...
Audience: The Honorable Jon Corzine!
Cougar: He probably heard that! I really hope so. Okay send him in we've got a lot to talk about.
[applause]
Cougar: Welcome to the show Mr. Corzine. Have a seat. Welcome welcome. We're just soooopleased you agreed to come and be fed to a tiger.
THJC: I'm sorry? I thought this was the Cramer show.
Cougar: No sir it isn't. No Jim Cramer here although we have invited him to appear.
THJC: No I'm certain they said I would be talking with Cramer.
Cougar: I imagine your staff simply lied to you, sir. They must really hate the very essence of everything you stand for, because due to their treachery you will shortly be fed to this very tiger.
THJC: That's bullshit.
Cougar: Yeah treachery like that, total bullshit. What a world.
THJC: No I mean feeding me to a tiger, that's bullshit. Not happening.
Cougar: No? Oh okay, my bad. So will you instead talk to us about how it felt stealing all those billions in client funds during the MF Global meltdown?
THJC: I'm not talking about that. Never happened. Nothing like that happened.
Cougar: Fair enough. Let's see ... oh yeah congressional investigators found evidence that you knew about and approved the misuse of segregated client funds to pay off creditors like your good buddies at JP Morgan. You still want to claim it never happened?
THJC: That never happened and Congress never made such a thing public. I think I'm leaving now.
Cougar: Hold on a sec ... just wait ... this tiger knows two tricks sir. You really need to know what they are before you up and leave.
THJC: What about it?
Cougar: Anyone sits down in that exact chair where you are sitting ... right there ... and they they stand up it signals to Kali here that the show is over and she is supposed to eat you.
[applause]
THJC: Bullshit. You can't threaten me.
Cougar: Not a threat, just a fact of nature, and means you are not running anywhere. So let's relax and chat a bit shall we?
[THJC sits back into chair]
Cougar: Great.
THJC: Who are all these people?
Cougar: You mean the audience? Those are a selection from the people whose money you took to pay back JP Morgan as MF Global imploded. And some regulators, past colleagues. Random haters from your illustrious past. Go ahead and say hi.
THJC: Who writes this bullshit for you? Or do you write it yourself? People lost their investment is all, then some of them got paid back anyway.
Cougar: They didn't think they were investing in your company just so you could place bad bets on European bonds. They thought they were paying fees for a service.
THJC: That's just how money works. Savings in the bank are handled exactly the same way.
Cougar: True, that. Since the repeal of Glass-Steagall during the Clinton adminstration everything has become an investment. I guess anybody not really understanding that their money held by you is really your money to do with as you deem fit is just basically an idiot and screwed.
THJC: It's all legal.
Cougar: Meaning, you can get away with taking money from people?
THJC: I don't have to answer that.
Cougar: Nice! So tell us how does it feel to operate above the law?
THJC: I don't have to answer anything. And get rid of the tiger. Now.
Cougar: The tiger stays Mr. Corzine. I was reading recently where someone compared you to Jerry Sandusky, the Penn State football coach who made a career of ass-raping young boys. So long as he brought a winning season Jerry was also above the law. So do you think that is what America has become? A land of winning, just winning, always winning?
[applause]
Cougar: No comment from the Honorable Corzine. Okay moving on while governor of New Jersey you put your lover on the state payroll. She was not qualified for the job she held other than being your undocumented fuck buddy. She never showed up for work either ... no I'm sorry that's not correct is it my bad... since her work was wrapping herself around your aging meatstick which we can assume she did perfectly well anywhere anytime. Any comment?
[applause]
Cougar: Nope? Nothing? That's fine. So let's see ... oh yes you blew up MF Global making huge bets that your investment team said were a bad idea. You took a perfectly functional company providing useful services and against the advice of people who knew the business of MF Global placed outsized bets in dicey bonds and blew the company completely to rat shit ... for what we'd like to know. Because you might gain something at no personal risk? Or did you do it for the thrill maybe? What was your motivation Jon? Care to grant us some insights into the brilliant mind of the mighty Corzine?
[ jeers and applause]
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: Or maybe it's less about brilliance and more about power. How about telling us how power works, sir. You think you have so much power you can blow anyone up you want, give us a glimpse how that works. We'd love to hear it.
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: All this later bullshit is an echo of the power you shifted while running Goldman Sachs, right? Buy anyone you want, ruin anyone cannot be bought. Politicians, regulators, state legislatures. Just kill them. Rip their faces off. Whatever works or feels good.
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: Get any law passed you need passed. Take any money you want, to place any bet you can think of, and if it blows up the taxpayers will bail your wobbly too-big-to-jail ass right out. Am I right?
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: Oh but at MF Global it was easier just to take deposits first and let the depositors sue for their losses. Piss always runs down hill, doesn't it?
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: But it's the end of all that now. Just the complete end of the road, I'm afraid. Nowhere to jump to now except right into the devouring fire we call Kali.
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: You're dead meat, Corzine. This tiger laying right on the floor at my feet is going to rip you to shreds. She's going to gut you. Strip the flesh from your corrupted bones. Drink your blood and devour your black heart. She's going to do all that because she's the handmaiden of death Jon and like death Kali cannot be bought. She isn't part of any thing you control now or ever.
THJC: Enjoying yourself?
Cougar: I am indeed as is everyone in the audience. As are the staff who betrayed you into coming here. As all are your cronies in Congress and the financial industries who are so sick of your random, stupid bullshit they are willing to overlook you being ripped to pieces and eaten by an animal. We're all going to watch Kali destroy you right off the edges of the map of all destruction.
THJC: You are fucking insane.
Cougar: Perhaps. But I can absolutely promise you one thing ... Kali is a maniac. Insane as the mirrored halls of Hell. Made completely of knives this cat is going to turn you inside out like a deep dish pizza, Jon. And after she's done eating you to the bone she's going to shit you all over her grotto. Piss and shit you in puddles and steaming piles with everyone on the planet Earth watching her do it live on web cam.
THJC: You won't get away with this.
Cougar: I certainly will. Oh and I mentioned Kali knows two tricks. I explained the first, that if you ever get up from that chair the interview is over and she rips you apart in under two seconds.
THJC: Yeah and what's the other trick? She rolls over or some stupid shit like that?
Cougar: No Jon. She does exactly the same thing on command.
[moment of suspenseful silence]
Cougar: Kali ... kill the mutherfucker!
[THJC leaps from chair with Kali in pursuit. Crash of furniture. Shouts and muffled screaming]
[thunderous applause]
Cougar: He tried didn't he? Got maybe -- what, 10 feet? That level of effort might have worked with Congress and Federal regulators but it's just not quite quick enough to escape a tiger.
[more crashing as Kali moves around the set]
[continued applause]
Cougar: She's not a small animal, notice. Kali and I wrestle a bit when she's feeling frisky, I usually end up bruised all over.
[polite laughter]
[Kali settles down and starts eating as applause trails off]
Cougar: Finally! She might not be very hungry today, so soon after the last one. I was getting nervous she might want to play. Seems not thank you God.
[laughter]
Announcer: And that wraps it up for another edition of Fed to a Tiger. Tune in next time when we'll get a change to visit Mr. Corzine after he has been reduced to tiger excrement.
Cougar: Mostly Jon Corzine! Kali is probably still processing some Paul Krugman today. Hey that's kinda neat, there could be some cat shit with both Paul and Jon! Some of of you might appreciate the special irony of that. Remind the audience how that works, Ben.
Announcer: Everyone in the live audience for today's show will receive via postal carrier a genuine piece of Jon Corzine -- with possibly some Paul Krugman in the mix -- as freeze-dried excrement courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.
Cougar: That's right the Honorable Jon Corzine realized as cat shit! I know -- huge improvement, right? It's not your lost money but wow what an ending for a slippery fucker like Corzine. Have him bronzed. Encase him in resin and then donate him to the charity raffle. Or feed him to the koi in the backyard pond! Use your imagination, he certainly used his.
Announcer: And remember everyone, don't ever let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a tiger!
Announcer: Kali's collar by Mauled of Chicago . Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole sociopath grifter is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host of course wish the real Mr. Jon Corzine good health and all the best in his future professional endeavors. However if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
[applause]
[Cougar walks on with tigress Kali on a leash]
Cougar: Hello everyone great to see you hello. Say hello to the nice people Kali. See that tail wave? She said hello. What a cat. What an animal. What a homicidal maniac.
[laughter and applause]
Cougar: We have a great show in store for everyone. You are simply going to love it. We have Kali right here and she is probably going to rip the lungs right out of our next guest. That okay with you?
[sustained applause]
Cougar: Great just great, I'll take that show of enthusiasm as a huge yes. Because you already know who's coming on, right? All together now ...
Audience: The Honorable Jon Corzine!
Cougar: He probably heard that! I really hope so. Okay send him in we've got a lot to talk about.
[applause]
Cougar: Welcome to the show Mr. Corzine. Have a seat. Welcome welcome. We're just soooopleased you agreed to come and be fed to a tiger.
THJC: I'm sorry? I thought this was the Cramer show.
Cougar: No sir it isn't. No Jim Cramer here although we have invited him to appear.
THJC: No I'm certain they said I would be talking with Cramer.
Cougar: I imagine your staff simply lied to you, sir. They must really hate the very essence of everything you stand for, because due to their treachery you will shortly be fed to this very tiger.
THJC: That's bullshit.
Cougar: Yeah treachery like that, total bullshit. What a world.
THJC: No I mean feeding me to a tiger, that's bullshit. Not happening.
Cougar: No? Oh okay, my bad. So will you instead talk to us about how it felt stealing all those billions in client funds during the MF Global meltdown?
THJC: I'm not talking about that. Never happened. Nothing like that happened.
Cougar: Fair enough. Let's see ... oh yeah congressional investigators found evidence that you knew about and approved the misuse of segregated client funds to pay off creditors like your good buddies at JP Morgan. You still want to claim it never happened?
THJC: That never happened and Congress never made such a thing public. I think I'm leaving now.
Cougar: Hold on a sec ... just wait ... this tiger knows two tricks sir. You really need to know what they are before you up and leave.
THJC: What about it?
Cougar: Anyone sits down in that exact chair where you are sitting ... right there ... and they they stand up it signals to Kali here that the show is over and she is supposed to eat you.
[applause]
THJC: Bullshit. You can't threaten me.
Cougar: Not a threat, just a fact of nature, and means you are not running anywhere. So let's relax and chat a bit shall we?
[THJC sits back into chair]
Cougar: Great.
THJC: Who are all these people?
Cougar: You mean the audience? Those are a selection from the people whose money you took to pay back JP Morgan as MF Global imploded. And some regulators, past colleagues. Random haters from your illustrious past. Go ahead and say hi.
THJC: Who writes this bullshit for you? Or do you write it yourself? People lost their investment is all, then some of them got paid back anyway.
Cougar: They didn't think they were investing in your company just so you could place bad bets on European bonds. They thought they were paying fees for a service.
THJC: That's just how money works. Savings in the bank are handled exactly the same way.
Cougar: True, that. Since the repeal of Glass-Steagall during the Clinton adminstration everything has become an investment. I guess anybody not really understanding that their money held by you is really your money to do with as you deem fit is just basically an idiot and screwed.
THJC: It's all legal.
Cougar: Meaning, you can get away with taking money from people?
THJC: I don't have to answer that.
Cougar: Nice! So tell us how does it feel to operate above the law?
THJC: I don't have to answer anything. And get rid of the tiger. Now.
Cougar: The tiger stays Mr. Corzine. I was reading recently where someone compared you to Jerry Sandusky, the Penn State football coach who made a career of ass-raping young boys. So long as he brought a winning season Jerry was also above the law. So do you think that is what America has become? A land of winning, just winning, always winning?
[applause]
Cougar: No comment from the Honorable Corzine. Okay moving on while governor of New Jersey you put your lover on the state payroll. She was not qualified for the job she held other than being your undocumented fuck buddy. She never showed up for work either ... no I'm sorry that's not correct is it my bad... since her work was wrapping herself around your aging meatstick which we can assume she did perfectly well anywhere anytime. Any comment?
[applause]
Cougar: Nope? Nothing? That's fine. So let's see ... oh yes you blew up MF Global making huge bets that your investment team said were a bad idea. You took a perfectly functional company providing useful services and against the advice of people who knew the business of MF Global placed outsized bets in dicey bonds and blew the company completely to rat shit ... for what we'd like to know. Because you might gain something at no personal risk? Or did you do it for the thrill maybe? What was your motivation Jon? Care to grant us some insights into the brilliant mind of the mighty Corzine?
[ jeers and applause]
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: Or maybe it's less about brilliance and more about power. How about telling us how power works, sir. You think you have so much power you can blow anyone up you want, give us a glimpse how that works. We'd love to hear it.
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: All this later bullshit is an echo of the power you shifted while running Goldman Sachs, right? Buy anyone you want, ruin anyone cannot be bought. Politicians, regulators, state legislatures. Just kill them. Rip their faces off. Whatever works or feels good.
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: Get any law passed you need passed. Take any money you want, to place any bet you can think of, and if it blows up the taxpayers will bail your wobbly too-big-to-jail ass right out. Am I right?
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: Oh but at MF Global it was easier just to take deposits first and let the depositors sue for their losses. Piss always runs down hill, doesn't it?
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: But it's the end of all that now. Just the complete end of the road, I'm afraid. Nowhere to jump to now except right into the devouring fire we call Kali.
THJC: Fuck off.
Cougar: You're dead meat, Corzine. This tiger laying right on the floor at my feet is going to rip you to shreds. She's going to gut you. Strip the flesh from your corrupted bones. Drink your blood and devour your black heart. She's going to do all that because she's the handmaiden of death Jon and like death Kali cannot be bought. She isn't part of any thing you control now or ever.
THJC: Enjoying yourself?
Cougar: I am indeed as is everyone in the audience. As are the staff who betrayed you into coming here. As all are your cronies in Congress and the financial industries who are so sick of your random, stupid bullshit they are willing to overlook you being ripped to pieces and eaten by an animal. We're all going to watch Kali destroy you right off the edges of the map of all destruction.
THJC: You are fucking insane.
Cougar: Perhaps. But I can absolutely promise you one thing ... Kali is a maniac. Insane as the mirrored halls of Hell. Made completely of knives this cat is going to turn you inside out like a deep dish pizza, Jon. And after she's done eating you to the bone she's going to shit you all over her grotto. Piss and shit you in puddles and steaming piles with everyone on the planet Earth watching her do it live on web cam.
THJC: You won't get away with this.
Cougar: I certainly will. Oh and I mentioned Kali knows two tricks. I explained the first, that if you ever get up from that chair the interview is over and she rips you apart in under two seconds.
THJC: Yeah and what's the other trick? She rolls over or some stupid shit like that?
Cougar: No Jon. She does exactly the same thing on command.
[moment of suspenseful silence]
Cougar: Kali ... kill the mutherfucker!
[THJC leaps from chair with Kali in pursuit. Crash of furniture. Shouts and muffled screaming]
[thunderous applause]
Cougar: He tried didn't he? Got maybe -- what, 10 feet? That level of effort might have worked with Congress and Federal regulators but it's just not quite quick enough to escape a tiger.
[more crashing as Kali moves around the set]
[continued applause]
Cougar: She's not a small animal, notice. Kali and I wrestle a bit when she's feeling frisky, I usually end up bruised all over.
[polite laughter]
[Kali settles down and starts eating as applause trails off]
Cougar: Finally! She might not be very hungry today, so soon after the last one. I was getting nervous she might want to play. Seems not thank you God.
[laughter]
Announcer: And that wraps it up for another edition of Fed to a Tiger. Tune in next time when we'll get a change to visit Mr. Corzine after he has been reduced to tiger excrement.
Cougar: Mostly Jon Corzine! Kali is probably still processing some Paul Krugman today. Hey that's kinda neat, there could be some cat shit with both Paul and Jon! Some of of you might appreciate the special irony of that. Remind the audience how that works, Ben.
Announcer: Everyone in the live audience for today's show will receive via postal carrier a genuine piece of Jon Corzine -- with possibly some Paul Krugman in the mix -- as freeze-dried excrement courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.
Cougar: That's right the Honorable Jon Corzine realized as cat shit! I know -- huge improvement, right? It's not your lost money but wow what an ending for a slippery fucker like Corzine. Have him bronzed. Encase him in resin and then donate him to the charity raffle. Or feed him to the koi in the backyard pond! Use your imagination, he certainly used his.
Announcer: And remember everyone, don't ever let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali's collar by Mauled of Chicago . Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole sociopath grifter is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host of course wish the real Mr. Jon Corzine good health and all the best in his future professional endeavors. However if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
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