Announcer: Hello again everyone and welcome back to another thought-provoking edition of Fed to a Tiger, as always with your host ... Cougar!
[applause]
Cougar: Hello everyone. Hello. Thank you, you are very kind. Wow great audience tonight no really thank you. I'm overwhelmed.
[applause]
Cougar: Wow look at that. I feel like I've won the Nobel Prize in Economics or something.
[polite laughter]
Cougar: Yeah you guys caught that one, good. Not many audiences would have appreciated the reference. That's why I like to work before a professional crowd once in a while. Who do we have in the audience tonight, Ben?
Announcer: Well Cougar tonight's audience is composed of academics, policy makers and critics with expertise in the fields of economics, Federal policy, and market analysis, among others.
Cougar: Seriously! That's a lot of grey matter to have all in one place. Wait I have an idea! How about instead of feeding some asshole to a tiger we instead take this opportunity to resolve now and forever the debate between the relative importance of market efficiency mechanisms verses aggregate demand? Anyone up for that?
[loud applause and laughter]
Announcer: Sorry Cougar, but our producer just informed me we really do need to feed someone to the tiger. Something about this being stipulated in Kali's performance contract.
Cougar: Snap! Well there you go folks. Sorry. But if it comes down to either clarifying the world's great macroeconomic questions ... or feeding a hungry tiger ... well I gotta go with keeping myself alive out here, see?
[laughter]
Cougar: What a great bunch. I'm really having fun up here. But since Kali like time waits for no man, we must forge ahead. And we really do have a very special show tonight. Tonight we kill and devour no less a light than Dr. Paul Krugman!
[applause]
Cougar: Professor of Economics and International Affairs at the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs at Princeton University. Centenary Professor at the London School of Economics. And a frequent contributing columnist for The New York Times. Recipient of the 2008 Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences. Author of 20 books, more than 200 scholarly articles, and over 750 columns on topics covering economic and political issues! So won't you please raise the roof for today's cat food ... Paul Krugman!
[applause as Dr. Krugman enters stage left]
Cougar: Welcome sir. Thank you for joining us on the show. Have a seat please right here. Excellent.
PK: It's a pleasure to be here.
Cougar: Excellent just excellent. Mad props for taking time away from your busy schedule of appearances and writing vaguely slanderous op-ed pieces to join us. So share with us Dr. Krugman your thoughts on the current state of the global economic picture.
PK: I see evidence that flexible monetary policy responses taken together have improved the overall stability of the macroeconomic picture.
Cougar: Or to put that in English; the rich got richer, so it's all good.
PK: You know I am heading up an effort to better understand the issues of wealth inequality.
Cougar: At $25,000 per month, yes we heard about that. And as for understanding it, I'll save you some trouble and let you know that the rich getting all the money on the planet for their personal use is likely 100% of the problem. I won't even charge you a dime for that bit, my gift to humanity. With that said you are of course planning to donate your gains from the project to charity?
[applause]
PK: The best route for capital investment during a recession is via government spending, not charity.
Cougar: Ah yes your favourite baseless canard unsupported by evidence. The consensus now is that so much money has been siphoned off by the insolvent too-big-to-fail institutions like JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs that almost nothing -- no let me correct myself -- absolutely nothing makes its way to Main Street where it might do some good. So explain to us again how does qualitative easing actually manage to save the economy?
PK: Government intervention calms markets and creates incentives to invest.
Cougar: Spoken like a true saltwater economist! Keynes must be proud.
[laughter]
PK: The freshwater school of economics is composed of morons who never understood the classic foundations of macroeconomic theory.
[boos and jeers]
Cougar: Oooh! Burn! And yet many working economists claim you have deliberately taken a steaming shit all over those very classics, creating instead a parody of classicism that from the outset enabled the overbearing excesses of the central management style of authoritarian state, setting us all up for a possible resurgence of corporatist Fascism not seen since 1936 Germany. Or am I wrong?
[loud applause]
PK: You are worse than wrong sir you are a fool and a discredit to the field of economics.
Cougar: Actually I'm a writer of fantasy fiction but now you mention it there are some cogent similarities with economics.
[laughter]
Cougar: Great audience tonight. Classy bunch. You guys can laugh at yourselves, I like it.
PK: Economics is a science. Fact. We know everything and hold all the power in the world. Actually forget this we thing -- I know everything and I do not share power. Resulting from my high opinion of myself and the manner in which my theories further empower the powerful, I have been recruit to consult with presidents and central bankers the world over. My opinions are now enshrined in the monetary and economic policy of five continents. There is no room for debate. The verdict is in and monetary interventionism supporting deficit investment has saved the global economy from ruin. So I win. Anyone disagrees will be shown in an unfavourable light in my next column for the New York Times. You sir in particular have offended my sensibilities and must atone or be socially destroyed. Here, kiss my Nobel ring.
Cougar: If I must then ... oh that's pretty. Can my girlfriend have a look? She's into shiny things.
PK: Yeah I know, this drives women crazy. Sure bring her out but be warned she might want my D after.
Cougar: Dr. Krugman my girl is totally going down on your D ... in exactly 53 seconds. Kali come here girl good tiger that's right.
[tiger Kali walks on stage right]
PK: Is that a real tiger?
Cougar: No sir, it is not a tiger rather it as a theory being put to a test.
PK: I see. And what is the test?
Cougar: The test is will this particular tiger will hit someone made entirely of asshole.
PK: Oh I'm an expert in that field as well, having held the prestigious Peabody Chair for Asshatery in Dublin. Where in 1988 -- in response to some silly nonsense written by Nestler 1986 -- I first stipulated in a 512 page opinion that tigers will not hit asshole.
Cougar: Yes we know about that, we read it and noticed some flaws in your logic. But we can clear this up easily enough with a simple field test. Kali ... kill the mutherfucker!
[roaring, crashing of furniture accompanied by screams]
[loud applause and cheering]
Cougar: Wow look at that, seems Nestler 1986 nailed that shit first time. You owe him a retraction, Krugman you noisy fucker.
PK: [gasping] Subject to ... initial conditions ... but ... Nobel Prize ...
[Kali snarling rips out Dr. Krugman's throat]
[applause and cheering]
Cougar: Oops looks like Kali was just as sick of listening to your shit as the rest of us, Krugman. But don't worry we'll take care of the retraction for you.
Announcer: Hey Cougar, according to the producer Dr. Nestler (retired Chair Emertus Cornell University School of Business Sciences) is right here in the audience!
Cougar: Get out! That is sooooo cool. Bring the good man forward. Oh that must be him right now dancing the funky chicken in the isle! Looking good for -- what -- must be 96? Join me on the stage sir, if you don't mind. Someone help him up. This is great just great.
[loud sustained applause and cheering]
[Dr. Nestler slowing taking the stage on a cane with assistance]
Cougar: Thank you for joining us on the set, Dr. Nestler. Seems your theory turned out to be spot-on after all. Any words for the audience in this your moment of vindication?
Dr. Nestler: [clears throat] This is a very special moment for myself and the entire field of applied macrotigeromics. I would like to thank Dr. Krugman for taking the time in 1988 to respond to my presentation, but as I pointed out at the time he was nothing but an insufferable asshole whose skill in the field did not attain his undo influence. He is far better off eaten by a tiger. Thank you.
[loud applause]
Cougar: Eloquent and gracious! What a class act. Thank you Dr. Nestler for joining us!
[Dr. Nestler making his way off stage with assistance.]
[sustained applause]
Announcer: And that about wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger,
with today's special guest Dr. Paul Krugman, Nobel Laureate and all around complete asshole. Filmed live before
a studio audience made up entirely of peers and colleagues whom he has made a long career of villifying with baseless insults and accusations of incompetance. Tune in next time when we'll
revisit Dr. Krugman after he has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's
excrement.
Cougar: Twenty-seven feet of aggressive feline digestive tract will probably do that to just about anyone, but we're still doing ground tests to verify. Tell the audience about the best part, Ben.
Announcer:
Everyone who contributed to luring Dr. Krugman out of his ivory tower and getting him on the
set will receive via postal carrier a small, freeze-dried piece of Dr. Krugman as excrement. Courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.
[applause]
Cougar: Real Paul Krugman Nobel Laureate, adviser to kings, realized as actual cat shit. Have him bronzed. Set him in
resin. Mount him on a plaque on the wall in the business school library. We know it's small consolation realized too late, and we freely admit that Paul Krugman as cat shit is not the Nobel Prize in Economics, but since the Nobel committee tarnished the prize by giving it to an asshole like Krugman who wants it anyway?
[applause]
Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer:
Kali's collar by Eaten Alive of London. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by
Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters
are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole economists destroying the global economy with flawed advice is strictly satirical.
The cast, technical staff and host of course wish Dr. Paul Krugman all the best in his future professional endeavours, but if there was any way we could
have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Megan Huntsman of Utah is Fed to a Tiger
Announcer: Hello everyone and welcome back to another exciting episode of Fed to a Tiger with your host ... Cougar!
[applause]
Cougar: Thank you thank you great audience tonight I can tell. Just great. Thank you all for coming all the way from Utah. Great state. Well folks it had to happen. We just had to bring someone on the set with a genuine sad story. You know what I'm talking about right? This woman must be seriously deranged, right? Terrible tragedy, just terrible. Sickening I should say. She needs help ... or something. Well see here at Fed to a Tiger we don't offer help no all we have is the something. It isn't pretty, but it's what we got and we fake it 'til we make it.
[applause]
Cougar: I appreciate the support, really. It means a lot to me. Means a lot to Kali too. Come on out Kali ... good girl. That's right. Come right here.
[tigress Kali walks onto set stage left]
Cougar: Lay down right here, goooood girl Kali that's a good tiger. You ready to do this? Yeah? Is she ready to do this? Okay then ... let's do this. Without further delay let's give a warm time-to-die welcome to Megan Huntsman of Pleasant Grove, Utah! Someone send her in.
[applause]
Cougar: Hi Megan have a seat. Thank you for coming.
MH: It's okay but I guess I'm a little confused?
Cougar: More than a little, hun. So let's start off with the sanctity of life. You know, the Big L. What do you think about life, Megan?
MH: I think life is great. I've always enjoyed being alive.
Cougar: Yeah life is a wonderful thing. Women are probably closer to life than men are, you ladies are pretty much the gateway for the entire human race, am I right?
MH: I don't know maybe. It's confusing.
Cougar: Is it now? Fascinating. So what confused you most about life when you killed each of your six surviving newborns?
MH: I was uncertain about things I guess. You know how it is with relationships. People coming and going all the time. Men and whoever. I'm usually confused.
Cougar: Actually no I don't know anything about that myself. Well if you were having a hard time relating, why chance a pregnancy? An adult can make decisions about things like that.
MH: Making decisions is ... I don't know ... maybe hard for me? I don't really know, can't say.
Cougar: Can't say is that it. Could it be that it's hard for you to make difficult decisions?
MH: Maybe. I'm just really confused right now.
Cougar: It appears that way, yes. So no contraception for you the last 10 years?
MH: Contraception is against the will of God, because it is killing the unborn.
Cougar: Of course. How silly of me. How about abortion. Same thing right?
MH: Yes. Killing the unborn is just wrong.
Cougar: Nicely said. So you were forced to give birth to six unwanted babies. Fine. Well then there was the option of adoption. Little babies move really quickly into new homes.
MH: That's embarrassing, not wanting a baby. And I just kept having them. I already had two older children I just didn't want any more.
Cougar: I see I see. Well then you could have simply not have had sex then.
MH: It's my right to have as much sex with as many men as I want.
Cougar: And it's also your right to not have to deal with any more babies.
MH: Well yeah. It's not like a man ever has to deal with those things, so why should I?
Cougar: You suddenly sound a little less confused, Megan.
MH: I just know what I want for myself that's all. Nobody can tell me what to do with my life.
Cougar: And yet ... there are laws against actual murder.
[applause]
MH: I don't think those laws apply here.
Cougar: Fair enough, you don't have to get tense.
MH: You don't know what a woman has to go through so how can you judge me.
Cougar: Not judging anyone, just making small talk. So I have one more question Megan and then we can bring on our next guest. How do you feel personally about the law of the jungle?
MH: I ... don't know what that is.
Cougar: Not surprised, most people wouldn't. Simply stated, it is the law of survival. That every creature must struggle to survive. That struggle is all the law of nature and no other law can change it.
MH: I think most people don't have to worry about that.
Cougar: Seems like everyone in your family has had to deal with it though, and the youngest of your spawn were not able to fend off an attack from a terrible predator. So they died. That's the law of survival. The weak perish and the strong do not. QED.
MH: I don't know what you mean by predator.
Cougar: Who killed your tiny newborns, Megan?
MH: I did.
Cougar: And there is our predator, killing the weak. Though to have done it correctly you would have had to eat them as well. A proper predator kills to eat and for no other reason, not even to defend. Did that ever occur to you? To eat your babies, I mean?
MH: Of course not! What a terrible thing to say! That's disgusting.
Cougar: I agree, it is. Just putting it out there. Speaking of predators you might have noticed we have an actual tiger on the set. Say hello to Kali.
MH: That is a lovely cat. Is it a boy or a girl?
Cougar: A girl, most definitely. And mother of several litters of kittens over the years, all of them raised to independence and then released into the wild to help preserve tigers in their native habitat.
MH: That's nice. I like tigers.
Cougar: Do you? Fascinating. Well we're very proud of Kali, she's been a superb mother.
[applause]
Cougar: Everyone likes a good mother. She's named after a Hindu goddess who, among her many attributes, is also known as the destroyer of evil. And on that note! Everyone please welcome our next guest your friend and mine ... death.
NH: How do you invite death? Death does not exist.
Cougar: It's odd that someone like you should say something like that.
[loud applause]
Cougar: Well that's all we have for today's show.
MH: I don't really get it though.
Cougar: Maybe this will help. Kali ... kill the stupid cunt.
[Kali leaps to feet and attacks. Screaming. Crashing furniture.]
[long silence]
Cougar: Well it's gotten really quiet all of a sudden. Not much to feel good about here, is there folks?
[audience murmuring]
Cougar: I think I know why. It's because everyone here has had to make tough decisions, and nobody likes having to do that, and we naturally sympathize for someone who had trouble with that. But then usually we do make them anyway and we do what's right because that's what adults do. We do the right thing anyway because others need us to be that way. If it means getting beat up over events, we take our lumps and move on. Life goes on.
[applause]
Cougar: Thank you. And those as don't ... well they suffer for it. We know that. And usually that means everyone around them suffers for it, too. The guilty and the innocent alike. This woman here being eaten by a tiger has three surviving female children. They'll wonder probably every single day for the rest of their lives why they got to live and all the other babies had to die. They can't ever feel very good about that unexplained bit of contingent history. And you have to wonder what will adult life look like to them? What nightmares will they endure when as females they face the prospect of child birth. Or even, pregnancy. Or maybe, mate selection? How far will they get into a woman's natural life trajectory before the prospect of killing their own babies just like mother did grips their fevered imagination?
[audience murmuring]
Cougar: Yeah. Looks pretty bleak from here. Bad decisions have a way of echoing down the generations. Now take Kali here, all the bad things in her life where forced on her ... by us. She didn't cause the near-extinction of her kind. She didn't want to watch her mother being killed by poachers and herself trapped as a cub and hauled off alone and terrified. Nobody asked her if she wanted to perform degrading tricks in a cheap circus. She didn't want to kill the stupid fucker who abused her off stage, she just wanted him to stop. Nor later did she understand being shot and wounded by a bunch of terrified cops. She didn't ask for or deserve any of those crazy, random things. That was all about us. Kali just wanted to survive. Maybe eventually find a mate, bear her offspring and care for them as best she could. Pretty simple because Kali is just a dumb animal with simple needs trying to survive in a complicated man-made jungle.
[Kali her muzzle red with blood looking up and snarling softly]
[loud applause]
Cougar: Easy girlfriend, just waxing poetic. We're good, you and me. You enjoy your meal, I'll shut up now.
Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Megan Huntsman, mother of 10 and killer of 6 of those, and an all around selfish, cannibalistic sociopath. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of people from her town who will probably always wonder what they might have done differently. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Ms. Huntsman after she has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.
Cougar: I dunno, Ben. The whole thing makes me sick. Maybe we just flush this one down the toilet. Whaddyathink, Kali?
[Kali snarls and lashes her tail]
Announcer: Toilet it is. So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali was today on her own and not wearing a fancy collar. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious, except for death. Any resemblance to any real self-absorbed baby-killing sociopaths is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Megan Huntsman of Pleasant Grove, Utah a fair and speedy trial resulting in a life spent behind bars, with the sincere hope that her surviving daughters somehow manage to assume normal lives as responsible adults free of pathology and regret. That said we don't know for sure they can actually do that now and if there was any way we could have legally fed their mother to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
[applause]
Cougar: Thank you thank you great audience tonight I can tell. Just great. Thank you all for coming all the way from Utah. Great state. Well folks it had to happen. We just had to bring someone on the set with a genuine sad story. You know what I'm talking about right? This woman must be seriously deranged, right? Terrible tragedy, just terrible. Sickening I should say. She needs help ... or something. Well see here at Fed to a Tiger we don't offer help no all we have is the something. It isn't pretty, but it's what we got and we fake it 'til we make it.
[applause]
Cougar: I appreciate the support, really. It means a lot to me. Means a lot to Kali too. Come on out Kali ... good girl. That's right. Come right here.
[tigress Kali walks onto set stage left]
Cougar: Lay down right here, goooood girl Kali that's a good tiger. You ready to do this? Yeah? Is she ready to do this? Okay then ... let's do this. Without further delay let's give a warm time-to-die welcome to Megan Huntsman of Pleasant Grove, Utah! Someone send her in.
[applause]
Cougar: Hi Megan have a seat. Thank you for coming.
MH: It's okay but I guess I'm a little confused?
Cougar: More than a little, hun. So let's start off with the sanctity of life. You know, the Big L. What do you think about life, Megan?
MH: I think life is great. I've always enjoyed being alive.
Cougar: Yeah life is a wonderful thing. Women are probably closer to life than men are, you ladies are pretty much the gateway for the entire human race, am I right?
MH: I don't know maybe. It's confusing.
Cougar: Is it now? Fascinating. So what confused you most about life when you killed each of your six surviving newborns?
MH: I was uncertain about things I guess. You know how it is with relationships. People coming and going all the time. Men and whoever. I'm usually confused.
Cougar: Actually no I don't know anything about that myself. Well if you were having a hard time relating, why chance a pregnancy? An adult can make decisions about things like that.
MH: Making decisions is ... I don't know ... maybe hard for me? I don't really know, can't say.
Cougar: Can't say is that it. Could it be that it's hard for you to make difficult decisions?
MH: Maybe. I'm just really confused right now.
Cougar: It appears that way, yes. So no contraception for you the last 10 years?
MH: Contraception is against the will of God, because it is killing the unborn.
Cougar: Of course. How silly of me. How about abortion. Same thing right?
MH: Yes. Killing the unborn is just wrong.
Cougar: Nicely said. So you were forced to give birth to six unwanted babies. Fine. Well then there was the option of adoption. Little babies move really quickly into new homes.
MH: That's embarrassing, not wanting a baby. And I just kept having them. I already had two older children I just didn't want any more.
Cougar: I see I see. Well then you could have simply not have had sex then.
MH: It's my right to have as much sex with as many men as I want.
Cougar: And it's also your right to not have to deal with any more babies.
MH: Well yeah. It's not like a man ever has to deal with those things, so why should I?
Cougar: You suddenly sound a little less confused, Megan.
MH: I just know what I want for myself that's all. Nobody can tell me what to do with my life.
Cougar: And yet ... there are laws against actual murder.
[applause]
MH: I don't think those laws apply here.
Cougar: Fair enough, you don't have to get tense.
MH: You don't know what a woman has to go through so how can you judge me.
Cougar: Not judging anyone, just making small talk. So I have one more question Megan and then we can bring on our next guest. How do you feel personally about the law of the jungle?
MH: I ... don't know what that is.
Cougar: Not surprised, most people wouldn't. Simply stated, it is the law of survival. That every creature must struggle to survive. That struggle is all the law of nature and no other law can change it.
MH: I think most people don't have to worry about that.
Cougar: Seems like everyone in your family has had to deal with it though, and the youngest of your spawn were not able to fend off an attack from a terrible predator. So they died. That's the law of survival. The weak perish and the strong do not. QED.
MH: I don't know what you mean by predator.
Cougar: Who killed your tiny newborns, Megan?
MH: I did.
Cougar: And there is our predator, killing the weak. Though to have done it correctly you would have had to eat them as well. A proper predator kills to eat and for no other reason, not even to defend. Did that ever occur to you? To eat your babies, I mean?
MH: Of course not! What a terrible thing to say! That's disgusting.
Cougar: I agree, it is. Just putting it out there. Speaking of predators you might have noticed we have an actual tiger on the set. Say hello to Kali.
MH: That is a lovely cat. Is it a boy or a girl?
Cougar: A girl, most definitely. And mother of several litters of kittens over the years, all of them raised to independence and then released into the wild to help preserve tigers in their native habitat.
MH: That's nice. I like tigers.
Cougar: Do you? Fascinating. Well we're very proud of Kali, she's been a superb mother.
[applause]
Cougar: Everyone likes a good mother. She's named after a Hindu goddess who, among her many attributes, is also known as the destroyer of evil. And on that note! Everyone please welcome our next guest your friend and mine ... death.
NH: How do you invite death? Death does not exist.
Cougar: It's odd that someone like you should say something like that.
[loud applause]
Cougar: Well that's all we have for today's show.
MH: I don't really get it though.
Cougar: Maybe this will help. Kali ... kill the stupid cunt.
[Kali leaps to feet and attacks. Screaming. Crashing furniture.]
[long silence]
Cougar: Well it's gotten really quiet all of a sudden. Not much to feel good about here, is there folks?
[audience murmuring]
Cougar: I think I know why. It's because everyone here has had to make tough decisions, and nobody likes having to do that, and we naturally sympathize for someone who had trouble with that. But then usually we do make them anyway and we do what's right because that's what adults do. We do the right thing anyway because others need us to be that way. If it means getting beat up over events, we take our lumps and move on. Life goes on.
[applause]
Cougar: Thank you. And those as don't ... well they suffer for it. We know that. And usually that means everyone around them suffers for it, too. The guilty and the innocent alike. This woman here being eaten by a tiger has three surviving female children. They'll wonder probably every single day for the rest of their lives why they got to live and all the other babies had to die. They can't ever feel very good about that unexplained bit of contingent history. And you have to wonder what will adult life look like to them? What nightmares will they endure when as females they face the prospect of child birth. Or even, pregnancy. Or maybe, mate selection? How far will they get into a woman's natural life trajectory before the prospect of killing their own babies just like mother did grips their fevered imagination?
[audience murmuring]
Cougar: Yeah. Looks pretty bleak from here. Bad decisions have a way of echoing down the generations. Now take Kali here, all the bad things in her life where forced on her ... by us. She didn't cause the near-extinction of her kind. She didn't want to watch her mother being killed by poachers and herself trapped as a cub and hauled off alone and terrified. Nobody asked her if she wanted to perform degrading tricks in a cheap circus. She didn't want to kill the stupid fucker who abused her off stage, she just wanted him to stop. Nor later did she understand being shot and wounded by a bunch of terrified cops. She didn't ask for or deserve any of those crazy, random things. That was all about us. Kali just wanted to survive. Maybe eventually find a mate, bear her offspring and care for them as best she could. Pretty simple because Kali is just a dumb animal with simple needs trying to survive in a complicated man-made jungle.
[Kali her muzzle red with blood looking up and snarling softly]
[loud applause]
Cougar: Easy girlfriend, just waxing poetic. We're good, you and me. You enjoy your meal, I'll shut up now.
Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Megan Huntsman, mother of 10 and killer of 6 of those, and an all around selfish, cannibalistic sociopath. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of people from her town who will probably always wonder what they might have done differently. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Ms. Huntsman after she has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.
Cougar: I dunno, Ben. The whole thing makes me sick. Maybe we just flush this one down the toilet. Whaddyathink, Kali?
[Kali snarls and lashes her tail]
Announcer: Toilet it is. So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali was today on her own and not wearing a fancy collar. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious, except for death. Any resemblance to any real self-absorbed baby-killing sociopaths is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Megan Huntsman of Pleasant Grove, Utah a fair and speedy trial resulting in a life spent behind bars, with the sincere hope that her surviving daughters somehow manage to assume normal lives as responsible adults free of pathology and regret. That said we don't know for sure they can actually do that now and if there was any way we could have legally fed their mother to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Chris Culliver of the SF 49ers is Fed to a Tiger
Announcer: Hello everyone. It's time again for another exciting edition of Fed to a Tiger with your host ... Cougar!
[applause]
Cougar: Hey everyone! Great to be here just great to be here. How is everyone tonight? All fired up?
[whistles and cheers]
Cougar: That's what I like to see! You guys are just super love that energy. Let's see now ... looking around the audience we have ... some current and former team mates, some coaches hey guys thanks for coming you're great sports ... ex-girlfriends sorry about the bruises ladies, we got your back. Assorted random and angry football fans go team! Oh and the San Jose Bicycle Safety Union, advocating for safer streets thank you soooo much for coming. We hope this is worth your trouble, everyone.
[applause]
Cougar: I'm glad I really am. And not to disappoint we've got a great show lined up for you. Really special you're gonna love it. Tonight of course we are going to talk to Chris Culliver, lately of the San Francisco 49ers football team, about what it's like to live the carefree gangster life on US dollars one-point-six million per season. Sound interesting?
[boos and hisses]
Cougar: And not just that, do I ever have a treat for you folks today. I am sooo excited. Because we get to have two tigers on the set. Please help me give a very special Fed to a Tiger welcome to two very lovely ladies of the night. Your favorite of course the tigress Kali ... and my besty Diamond "the huntress" Darkatana! Come on out, girls.
[applause and Diamond enters leading Kali on a leash]
Cougar: Aren't they beautiful creatures? Have you ever seen anything so right as these two together? Have a seat Diamond. Good girl Kali, lay down. Lay down. Nice kitty. Wow. What a sight.
Diamond: Thanks for having me on the set today, Cougar. Kali and I have been having some girl time back stage. She's a wonderful animal, I'm always honored that she accepts me as one of her own kind.
Cougar: Well you are one of her own kind, so why not? Evil medical school science didn't manage to get the human/tiger mix quite right did they Diamond?
Diamond: [stroking tail in lap] Oh I don't know, Cougar. I'm pretty happy with the mix. It's the actual pretending to be human part that gets old.
[laughter from audience]
Cougar: I hear that. And then you have that whole apex predator thing going on. Must be a lot of work and yet you look so beautiful all the time. So tell us when was the last time you ate someone?
Diamond: [scratching Kali on head] Oh golly probably ... a week ago? I can't keep track really. I eat I fall asleep, I wake up and I need to eat.
Cougar: Wow what a life! I bet our next guest Chris Culliver could totally relate. So Diamond you must be hungry right about now?
Diamond: Oh yes absolutely. And Kali could eat a horse, I think. You should have heard her stomach growling just before we came on. Had my fur on end, let me tell you.
Cougar: That's the way we like it around here! Not sure there is any actual horse on the menu but how do you feel about overpaid asshole gangster athlete?
Diamond: If Kali is willing to share, I'd hit it.
Cougar: Nice! So with introductions out of the way ... let's do this! Please join me in extending a warm-as-piss welcome to 49ers defensive back Chris "brass knuckles" Culliver!
[applause. Culliver enters on set with publicist]
Cougar: Welcome Mr. Culliver! Oh and also your handler, Xenon Wormboogie! Thank you both for coming. Have a seat!
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Thanks for having me on the show.
Cougar: Our pleasure. Really. So let's start off with you explaining to the audience your views on gays as human beings?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: I'm looking forward to the 2014 football season and demonstrating my competitive character on the field, Cougar.
Cougar: Great answer! So we can expect to see a genuine reprobate thug out there next season?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Football is a tough game. I remain dedicated to the 49ers organization and any season I play I'll bringing my own style to game play just like I do off the field.
Cougar: And that would be a hit-and-run vehicular misdemenor kind of style I guess?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Fans want to see a clean game, but fans want to see a winner too. I always play to win first. I let the officials decide what's fair.
Cougar: Yeah we noticed! In fact lately you've pretty much spent all of your time dodging either the law or public opinion. You think that's good for the sport of football?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Winning is what is good for the team and the sport of football and ... uh ... fuck this nigga what do I care about no fucking skinny little dude on a bicycle. Pissing me off.
Cougar: Winning, we get that part. But are you intending to develop yourself at all as a human being as opposed to acting like a degenerate sociopath most of the time?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: [to XW] Ain't say'n that nigga. You shut up man. Just shut up. Starting to annoy shit out of me.
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: [turns in chair and hits XW in jaw with fist] There have some. Now shut up or I bust you again.
Diamond: Now?
Cougar: Not yet sweetheart. I'll take that as a no Mr. Culliver. Tell us Chris do you think this kind of gangster bullshit is what the 49ers organization paid a cool million plus for?
CC: You can shut up too. What you know 'bout bullshit nigga. I got money banked and a new Shelby Mustang convertible does 600 horse power. What you got? Anything? And I can kick your ass if I want.
Diamond: Now?
Cougar: Almost done.
CC: What you got anyway faggot? You got anything 'cept a little dick? Cougar ... what kind of name is that. Hell I'd have kicked your ass twice already just because. Yo Xenon tell this mutherfucker how it is, that's what you're paid for ... the fuck ... dat chick has a tail? That's mad, bro. She hella ugly dat bitch.
XW: The 49ers organization stands 100% behind Mr. Culliver both as a player and off the field and while the management ...
CC: Fuck that Xenon. Fuck it. I'm a man, mutherfucker. I'm not just another player. Players don't know real shit like I know it. Gangster shit. I'm all OJ and dat shit. You can't touch me. A man like OJ he does what the fuck ever he wants to. If ever I run over a little faggot on his cheap ass bicycle, then fuck him. And go fuck that asshole ran me down in his Hundai and called the cops. That nigga got no class at all. He just a little-ass player in a Hundai and I got a harem of hot chicks hanging all on my Mustang all day. What you got Cougar? You got any pussy? Loser. Show us some pussy you got.
Cougar: Well now that you mention it, I happen to have two really nice pussies.
CC: I bet you got shit for pussy. Sorry loose-assed pussy or nuth'n. Loser.
Diamond: NOW??
Cougar: Now.
Diamond: Kali ... kill that motherfucker!
[roaring. crashing of furniture. screams and yells. maniacal female laughter]
XW: Christ what a useless turd of a human being.
[sustained loud applause]
CC: Fuck, what the ...
Diamond: Too stupid to die. I like it. Here, have some of this.
[heavy thud]
[thunderous applause, cheering]
Cougar: Oh that musta hurt. Diamond you bring it.
Diamond: Hey look at this. I was worried he would be full of shit. But looks edible to me ... whoa Kali hold up a sec.
[Kali dragging CC off the set by an arm]
Cougar: No no Kali. Come back girl. Darn and people paid to see this. Diamond would you fetch her back?
Diamond: She's hungry and pissed off. How about you go fetch her.
Cougar: Uhhhh ...
Diamond: Smart guy. Well heck that was fun we should do this again but right now it's time to tank up so I'm outtie. Bye everyone!
[applause and cheers]
Cougar: What can I say? Diamond is right, you don't want to come between 600 pounds of temperamental feline and her overpaid asshole gangster athlete meal.
Announcer: This is probably a good time to remind the audience that we do included a DVD recording of the being-devoured-by-a-tiger part as our thank you gift.
Cougar: Hey that's right! They can watch Culliver being eaten to the bone by a pair of the world's most beautiful and wild animals, over and over! Extra copies available for a minimal fee. Makes a great stocking stuffer for that sports fan on your holiday list!
[applause]
Diamond: [off-stage] Invite me back later, we can kill another one and make it a Thanksgiving special.
Cougar: That's our Diamond, never misses a bet.
Announcer: Also included will be a freeze-dried piece of Chris Culliver as tiger excrement.
Cougar: Probably the best part of the deal! Yes Chris Culliver, barely human on a good day, usefully reduced to actual cat shit! Certainly an improvement over the original. Have him bronzed. Store him under glass. Or just flush him down the toilet! You suffered long for this moment, use your imagination.
XW: Can I get some too?
Cougar: Absolutely.
Diamond: [off-stage] Hey that's nasty and I am not giving you any of my shit.
Cougar: Diamond I don't need any of your shit, woman. Sell your shit on EBay for all I care.
Diamond: [off-stage] He's a bad man Kali, don't listen to him ... no that's mine ... look bitch I ... hey!
[snarling off-stage, then crashing followed by fearsome roars]
Cougar: Now now girls no fighting. Diamond just give it to her ... hey stop biting my tiger!
Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Chris Culliver, defensive back for the San Francisco 49ers football team and all around asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of everyone he ever treated like low life scum unworthy of basic human dignity. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Culliver after he has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.
Diamond: [walking back on stage licking fingers] You people are sick. You know that right?
Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali's collar by PanzerKunst of Berlin. Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole athlete sociopaths currently raking in millions to behave like thugs is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Chris Culliver of the 49ers a fair and speedy trial with the sincere hope that he uses the experiece to grow as a human being. That said we don't know for sure he's worth the effort at this point and if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
[applause]
Cougar: Hey everyone! Great to be here just great to be here. How is everyone tonight? All fired up?
[whistles and cheers]
Cougar: That's what I like to see! You guys are just super love that energy. Let's see now ... looking around the audience we have ... some current and former team mates, some coaches hey guys thanks for coming you're great sports ... ex-girlfriends sorry about the bruises ladies, we got your back. Assorted random and angry football fans go team! Oh and the San Jose Bicycle Safety Union, advocating for safer streets thank you soooo much for coming. We hope this is worth your trouble, everyone.
[applause]
Cougar: I'm glad I really am. And not to disappoint we've got a great show lined up for you. Really special you're gonna love it. Tonight of course we are going to talk to Chris Culliver, lately of the San Francisco 49ers football team, about what it's like to live the carefree gangster life on US dollars one-point-six million per season. Sound interesting?
[boos and hisses]
Cougar: And not just that, do I ever have a treat for you folks today. I am sooo excited. Because we get to have two tigers on the set. Please help me give a very special Fed to a Tiger welcome to two very lovely ladies of the night. Your favorite of course the tigress Kali ... and my besty Diamond "the huntress" Darkatana! Come on out, girls.
[applause and Diamond enters leading Kali on a leash]
Cougar: Aren't they beautiful creatures? Have you ever seen anything so right as these two together? Have a seat Diamond. Good girl Kali, lay down. Lay down. Nice kitty. Wow. What a sight.
Diamond: Thanks for having me on the set today, Cougar. Kali and I have been having some girl time back stage. She's a wonderful animal, I'm always honored that she accepts me as one of her own kind.
Cougar: Well you are one of her own kind, so why not? Evil medical school science didn't manage to get the human/tiger mix quite right did they Diamond?
Diamond: [stroking tail in lap] Oh I don't know, Cougar. I'm pretty happy with the mix. It's the actual pretending to be human part that gets old.
[laughter from audience]
Cougar: I hear that. And then you have that whole apex predator thing going on. Must be a lot of work and yet you look so beautiful all the time. So tell us when was the last time you ate someone?
Diamond: [scratching Kali on head] Oh golly probably ... a week ago? I can't keep track really. I eat I fall asleep, I wake up and I need to eat.
Cougar: Wow what a life! I bet our next guest Chris Culliver could totally relate. So Diamond you must be hungry right about now?
Diamond: Oh yes absolutely. And Kali could eat a horse, I think. You should have heard her stomach growling just before we came on. Had my fur on end, let me tell you.
Cougar: That's the way we like it around here! Not sure there is any actual horse on the menu but how do you feel about overpaid asshole gangster athlete?
Diamond: If Kali is willing to share, I'd hit it.
Cougar: Nice! So with introductions out of the way ... let's do this! Please join me in extending a warm-as-piss welcome to 49ers defensive back Chris "brass knuckles" Culliver!
[applause. Culliver enters on set with publicist]
Cougar: Welcome Mr. Culliver! Oh and also your handler, Xenon Wormboogie! Thank you both for coming. Have a seat!
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Thanks for having me on the show.
Cougar: Our pleasure. Really. So let's start off with you explaining to the audience your views on gays as human beings?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: I'm looking forward to the 2014 football season and demonstrating my competitive character on the field, Cougar.
Cougar: Great answer! So we can expect to see a genuine reprobate thug out there next season?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Football is a tough game. I remain dedicated to the 49ers organization and any season I play I'll bringing my own style to game play just like I do off the field.
Cougar: And that would be a hit-and-run vehicular misdemenor kind of style I guess?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Fans want to see a clean game, but fans want to see a winner too. I always play to win first. I let the officials decide what's fair.
Cougar: Yeah we noticed! In fact lately you've pretty much spent all of your time dodging either the law or public opinion. You think that's good for the sport of football?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: Winning is what is good for the team and the sport of football and ... uh ... fuck this nigga what do I care about no fucking skinny little dude on a bicycle. Pissing me off.
Cougar: Winning, we get that part. But are you intending to develop yourself at all as a human being as opposed to acting like a degenerate sociopath most of the time?
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: [to XW] Ain't say'n that nigga. You shut up man. Just shut up. Starting to annoy shit out of me.
XW: [whispers into CC's ear]
CC: [turns in chair and hits XW in jaw with fist] There have some. Now shut up or I bust you again.
Diamond: Now?
Cougar: Not yet sweetheart. I'll take that as a no Mr. Culliver. Tell us Chris do you think this kind of gangster bullshit is what the 49ers organization paid a cool million plus for?
CC: You can shut up too. What you know 'bout bullshit nigga. I got money banked and a new Shelby Mustang convertible does 600 horse power. What you got? Anything? And I can kick your ass if I want.
Diamond: Now?
Cougar: Almost done.
CC: What you got anyway faggot? You got anything 'cept a little dick? Cougar ... what kind of name is that. Hell I'd have kicked your ass twice already just because. Yo Xenon tell this mutherfucker how it is, that's what you're paid for ... the fuck ... dat chick has a tail? That's mad, bro. She hella ugly dat bitch.
XW: The 49ers organization stands 100% behind Mr. Culliver both as a player and off the field and while the management ...
CC: Fuck that Xenon. Fuck it. I'm a man, mutherfucker. I'm not just another player. Players don't know real shit like I know it. Gangster shit. I'm all OJ and dat shit. You can't touch me. A man like OJ he does what the fuck ever he wants to. If ever I run over a little faggot on his cheap ass bicycle, then fuck him. And go fuck that asshole ran me down in his Hundai and called the cops. That nigga got no class at all. He just a little-ass player in a Hundai and I got a harem of hot chicks hanging all on my Mustang all day. What you got Cougar? You got any pussy? Loser. Show us some pussy you got.
Cougar: Well now that you mention it, I happen to have two really nice pussies.
CC: I bet you got shit for pussy. Sorry loose-assed pussy or nuth'n. Loser.
Diamond: NOW??
Cougar: Now.
Diamond: Kali ... kill that motherfucker!
[roaring. crashing of furniture. screams and yells. maniacal female laughter]
XW: Christ what a useless turd of a human being.
[sustained loud applause]
CC: Fuck, what the ...
Diamond: Too stupid to die. I like it. Here, have some of this.
[heavy thud]
[thunderous applause, cheering]
Cougar: Oh that musta hurt. Diamond you bring it.
Diamond: Hey look at this. I was worried he would be full of shit. But looks edible to me ... whoa Kali hold up a sec.
[Kali dragging CC off the set by an arm]
Cougar: No no Kali. Come back girl. Darn and people paid to see this. Diamond would you fetch her back?
Diamond: She's hungry and pissed off. How about you go fetch her.
Cougar: Uhhhh ...
Diamond: Smart guy. Well heck that was fun we should do this again but right now it's time to tank up so I'm outtie. Bye everyone!
[applause and cheers]
Cougar: What can I say? Diamond is right, you don't want to come between 600 pounds of temperamental feline and her overpaid asshole gangster athlete meal.
Announcer: This is probably a good time to remind the audience that we do included a DVD recording of the being-devoured-by-a-tiger part as our thank you gift.
Cougar: Hey that's right! They can watch Culliver being eaten to the bone by a pair of the world's most beautiful and wild animals, over and over! Extra copies available for a minimal fee. Makes a great stocking stuffer for that sports fan on your holiday list!
[applause]
Diamond: [off-stage] Invite me back later, we can kill another one and make it a Thanksgiving special.
Cougar: That's our Diamond, never misses a bet.
Announcer: Also included will be a freeze-dried piece of Chris Culliver as tiger excrement.
Cougar: Probably the best part of the deal! Yes Chris Culliver, barely human on a good day, usefully reduced to actual cat shit! Certainly an improvement over the original. Have him bronzed. Store him under glass. Or just flush him down the toilet! You suffered long for this moment, use your imagination.
XW: Can I get some too?
Cougar: Absolutely.
Diamond: [off-stage] Hey that's nasty and I am not giving you any of my shit.
Cougar: Diamond I don't need any of your shit, woman. Sell your shit on EBay for all I care.
Diamond: [off-stage] He's a bad man Kali, don't listen to him ... no that's mine ... look bitch I ... hey!
[snarling off-stage, then crashing followed by fearsome roars]
Cougar: Now now girls no fighting. Diamond just give it to her ... hey stop biting my tiger!
Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Chris Culliver, defensive back for the San Francisco 49ers football team and all around asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of everyone he ever treated like low life scum unworthy of basic human dignity. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Culliver after he has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.
Diamond: [walking back on stage licking fingers] You people are sick. You know that right?
Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali's collar by PanzerKunst of Berlin. Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole athlete sociopaths currently raking in millions to behave like thugs is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Chris Culliver of the 49ers a fair and speedy trial with the sincere hope that he uses the experiece to grow as a human being. That said we don't know for sure he's worth the effort at this point and if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Bernie Madoff is Fed to a Tiger
Announcer: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Fed To a Tiger! With your host ... Cougar!
Cougar: Hey everyone hi glad to be here great to be here. You all look great. Sweet kids you got there sir, thanks for bringing the children they can sit a little closer and get a good look at the kitty. She loves kids. Ha ha no really she's great with kids. And I'm really pleased everyone in our live studio could come and have this sweet, sweet moment of revenge. Because our guest today is none other than .... ooooooh wait for it .... that's right Bernie Madoff!
[boos and hisses]
Cougar: Mr. Madoff is currently doing ... well let's not call it hard time okay ... doing a cushy bit in prison on 11 felony counts for running what is currently thought to have been the largest and most costly Ponzi scheme in the history of the world.
[boos and hisses]
Cougar: Yeah tell me about it. Well because of all your efforts and fund raising, and because the judicial system is not entirely corrupted by corporate money, our producers were able to get Mr. Madoff sprung from jail just for this appearance here on Fed To a Tiger before the very people he defrauded! Isn't that special.
[applause]
Cougar: I can see how much you are looking forward to this. And trust me, Kali here is really eager to get down to business [scratches tiger behind the ears] isn't she Kali ... that's right ... and who's been a good maneater all day yes she has. So without further ado let's have our very special guess join us on the set ... Bernie Madoff!
[thunderous applause]
Cougar: Have a seat Mr. Madoff, and welcome to Fed to a Tiger. We're so happy you could join us.
BM: It's great to be out of prison finally, thank you for having me. I'm looking forward to a return to productive life outside.
Cougar: So the officials mentioned you won't be going back, did they?
BM: Oh yes. I'm glad the wheels of justice have found their tracks, I should have never been in that place anyway.
Cougar: Yeah? Fascinating. So what can you tell us about investing, Mr. Madoff.
BM: My favourite subject! I always did enjoy managing other peoples' money. I recommend it, if you have a few million to start a fund. Promise an impossible return on investment and greedy people will just pour their savings into your venture no questions asked.
Cougar: That's some wacky stuff right there! So would you agree with the statement that some people just deserve to be tooled?
BM: As a rule, yes. There are those who understand finances, and then there those who need to be saved of the burden of their wealth.
Cougar: Because money knows its proper master.
BM: Yes, money does. And I am the lord of wealth. In fact I've been using my time in prison to start some new ventures.
Cougar: Wait ... while in prison? That's so gangster! Loving it, Bernie. Just loving it. So tell us what you have up that crooked sleeve of yours.
BM: [laughing] No no I cannot, really. While you are very kind I am currently banned from any form of investment management. So you'll just have to contact the restaurant fronting for my new venture. I put the address on the guest list as I signed in. And while you are there I recommend the ravioli, they are to die for.
Cougar: Sneaky guy, Bernard you epic sneakster you! Oh and on the subject of dying, you probably noticed we have tiger on the set. Say hello to Kali.
BM: That's a real tiger? I thought it was stuffed. Oh I get it now, there is something about tigers in the name of the show. That's very clever.
Cougar: Yes it is extremely clever. Well Mr Madoff you might have walked in here wearing prison orange, but you'll be walking out wearing stripes! You like stripes I hope?
BM: Not my personal favourite and I don't play games as a rule but if I have to put on a stripped coat or something to skip on prison, I suppose I'll suffer the indignation.
Cougar: Stripes it is, then! Kali ... kill the motherfucker!
BM: What did ... aaaagh!
[screaming, accompanied by roaring and the crashing of furniture, followed by sustained thunderous applause]
Cougar: She brings the hurt, people. That's our girl. Was that quick or what?
[continued sustained thunderous applause and cheering]
Cougar: Notice how she goes straight into eating the fat fuck. That's just how a tiger rolls, you know. You think your pimped out J-series Jaguar is fast? This cat goes from zero to completely insane in under two seconds.
[wet sound of chewing and ripping flesh]
Cougar: I love this part, really. Those with a delicate stomach might want to avert your eyes, but honestly you've come this far at great expense having lost everything you invested in this guy, you really owe it to yourself to watch him being fed to a tiger.
[ polite applause]
Announcer: And that warps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Bernard Madoff. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the victims of his Ponzi scheme. Tune in next time when we visit Mr. Madoff after he has been reduced to a bucket of excrement.
Cougar: Twenty-seven feet of aggressive feline digestive tract will do that to just about anyone ... isn't that right wittle kawi. Hey! No biting! Let go! Jeez ... like I'm going to steal your meal?Tell the audience about the best part, Ben.
Announcer: Everyone who contributed to springing Mr. Madoff and getting him on the set will receive via postal carrier a small, freeze-dried piece of Mr. Maddoff as excrement. Courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.
[applause]
Cougar: Real Bernie Madoff, realized as actual cat shit. Have it bronzed. Set it in resin. Take delight in flushing it down the toilet. Or since dogs love that kind of thing you can run Mr. Madoff through one of your hounds for even greater personal satisfaction!
Announcer: Fun for the whole family. So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali's collar by La Femme Fatale of Paris. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer was Rose McIntyre. All characters are fictitious, any resemblance to any real sociopaths as strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Bernard Madoff a long and comfortable stay in prison, but if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
Cougar: Hey everyone hi glad to be here great to be here. You all look great. Sweet kids you got there sir, thanks for bringing the children they can sit a little closer and get a good look at the kitty. She loves kids. Ha ha no really she's great with kids. And I'm really pleased everyone in our live studio could come and have this sweet, sweet moment of revenge. Because our guest today is none other than .... ooooooh wait for it .... that's right Bernie Madoff!
[boos and hisses]
Cougar: Mr. Madoff is currently doing ... well let's not call it hard time okay ... doing a cushy bit in prison on 11 felony counts for running what is currently thought to have been the largest and most costly Ponzi scheme in the history of the world.
[boos and hisses]
Cougar: Yeah tell me about it. Well because of all your efforts and fund raising, and because the judicial system is not entirely corrupted by corporate money, our producers were able to get Mr. Madoff sprung from jail just for this appearance here on Fed To a Tiger before the very people he defrauded! Isn't that special.
[applause]
Cougar: I can see how much you are looking forward to this. And trust me, Kali here is really eager to get down to business [scratches tiger behind the ears] isn't she Kali ... that's right ... and who's been a good maneater all day yes she has. So without further ado let's have our very special guess join us on the set ... Bernie Madoff!
[thunderous applause]
Cougar: Have a seat Mr. Madoff, and welcome to Fed to a Tiger. We're so happy you could join us.
BM: It's great to be out of prison finally, thank you for having me. I'm looking forward to a return to productive life outside.
Cougar: So the officials mentioned you won't be going back, did they?
BM: Oh yes. I'm glad the wheels of justice have found their tracks, I should have never been in that place anyway.
Cougar: Yeah? Fascinating. So what can you tell us about investing, Mr. Madoff.
BM: My favourite subject! I always did enjoy managing other peoples' money. I recommend it, if you have a few million to start a fund. Promise an impossible return on investment and greedy people will just pour their savings into your venture no questions asked.
Cougar: That's some wacky stuff right there! So would you agree with the statement that some people just deserve to be tooled?
BM: As a rule, yes. There are those who understand finances, and then there those who need to be saved of the burden of their wealth.
Cougar: Because money knows its proper master.
BM: Yes, money does. And I am the lord of wealth. In fact I've been using my time in prison to start some new ventures.
Cougar: Wait ... while in prison? That's so gangster! Loving it, Bernie. Just loving it. So tell us what you have up that crooked sleeve of yours.
BM: [laughing] No no I cannot, really. While you are very kind I am currently banned from any form of investment management. So you'll just have to contact the restaurant fronting for my new venture. I put the address on the guest list as I signed in. And while you are there I recommend the ravioli, they are to die for.
Cougar: Sneaky guy, Bernard you epic sneakster you! Oh and on the subject of dying, you probably noticed we have tiger on the set. Say hello to Kali.
BM: That's a real tiger? I thought it was stuffed. Oh I get it now, there is something about tigers in the name of the show. That's very clever.
Cougar: Yes it is extremely clever. Well Mr Madoff you might have walked in here wearing prison orange, but you'll be walking out wearing stripes! You like stripes I hope?
BM: Not my personal favourite and I don't play games as a rule but if I have to put on a stripped coat or something to skip on prison, I suppose I'll suffer the indignation.
Cougar: Stripes it is, then! Kali ... kill the motherfucker!
BM: What did ... aaaagh!
[screaming, accompanied by roaring and the crashing of furniture, followed by sustained thunderous applause]
Cougar: She brings the hurt, people. That's our girl. Was that quick or what?
[continued sustained thunderous applause and cheering]
Cougar: Notice how she goes straight into eating the fat fuck. That's just how a tiger rolls, you know. You think your pimped out J-series Jaguar is fast? This cat goes from zero to completely insane in under two seconds.
[wet sound of chewing and ripping flesh]
Cougar: I love this part, really. Those with a delicate stomach might want to avert your eyes, but honestly you've come this far at great expense having lost everything you invested in this guy, you really owe it to yourself to watch him being fed to a tiger.
[ polite applause]
Announcer: And that warps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Bernard Madoff. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the victims of his Ponzi scheme. Tune in next time when we visit Mr. Madoff after he has been reduced to a bucket of excrement.
Cougar: Twenty-seven feet of aggressive feline digestive tract will do that to just about anyone ... isn't that right wittle kawi. Hey! No biting! Let go! Jeez ... like I'm going to steal your meal?Tell the audience about the best part, Ben.
Announcer: Everyone who contributed to springing Mr. Madoff and getting him on the set will receive via postal carrier a small, freeze-dried piece of Mr. Maddoff as excrement. Courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.
[applause]
Cougar: Real Bernie Madoff, realized as actual cat shit. Have it bronzed. Set it in resin. Take delight in flushing it down the toilet. Or since dogs love that kind of thing you can run Mr. Madoff through one of your hounds for even greater personal satisfaction!
Announcer: Fun for the whole family. So until next time, don't let yourself be ...
Audience: Fed to a Tiger!
[cheering and applause]
[roll credits]
Announcer: Kali's collar by La Femme Fatale of Paris. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer was Rose McIntyre. All characters are fictitious, any resemblance to any real sociopaths as strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Bernard Madoff a long and comfortable stay in prison, but if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Hello! Now prepare to die.
Death is everywhere. Everyone dies. However there are some people who do not die quite quickly enough, or in just the right kind of memorable way, to suit me.
Hence the acute need for this blog.
Here I will select candidates from among the very real rich and influential residing at the lofty pinnacles of human power and wealth. Then in a fictional setting engage them in witty repartee regarding world events, fashion trends and artistic expression. Eventually to just feed them whole and screaming with terror to a hungry jungle cat, pack of wolves, pit of snarling wolverines, or something else equally disturbing.
Yes I am a sick and twisted individual bereft of all moral compass. Therefore you will not want to miss this.
Posts will be as often asI am gripped with madness as suits me, or with the regularity of misdeeds by the aforementioned rich and influential.
I know, there is no lack of material. However I have other projects so don't set your hopes too high.
Kind regards,
Cougar
Hence the acute need for this blog.
Here I will select candidates from among the very real rich and influential residing at the lofty pinnacles of human power and wealth. Then in a fictional setting engage them in witty repartee regarding world events, fashion trends and artistic expression. Eventually to just feed them whole and screaming with terror to a hungry jungle cat, pack of wolves, pit of snarling wolverines, or something else equally disturbing.
Yes I am a sick and twisted individual bereft of all moral compass. Therefore you will not want to miss this.
Posts will be as often as
I know, there is no lack of material. However I have other projects so don't set your hopes too high.
Kind regards,
Cougar
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