Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Judge Mark Ciavarella is fed to a tiger

Announcer: Hello everyone. It's time again for another exciting edition of Fed to a Tiger tonight with your special guest host the always beautiful and sometimes deadly ... Fortran!

[applause and whistles]

[Fortran enters stage right]

Fortran: Oh-em-gee! I am so happy to be here! Hello everyone. What a lovely audience. Thank you. This is going to be sooooo much fun!


Fortran: I'll be sitting in today for Cougar. And because Kahli is away as well I've invited my dearest friend and sister-at-arms on the set with me tonight to help kill someone. And you know what a useful kitty she is when it comes to casual murder. Please give a huge hand to the mighty -- Diamond Darkatana!

[applause and cheering]

[Diamond walks on stage left, waving into crowd]

[Fortran and Diamond hug and Diamond takes a chair]

[Fortran folds her wings and sits behind host's desk]

Fortran: You look great Di. Thanks for joining me on the set. Hey are those new boots?

Diamond: They are, do you like them? They come from Australia and are supposed to be made out of real kangaroo.

Fortran: But ... kangaroos are so cute! Please send them back.


Diamond: I hate to break this to you but sending the boots back won't return the kangaroo to life.

[more laughter]

Fortran: You know on reflection I could have someone else on the set who isn't quite so much of a butt head.

Diamond: I love you too. So where exactly are Cougar and Kahli tonight? Out having drinks or something?

Fortran: No they were making a round of visits to local elementary schools today and couldn't be on the set.

Diamond: Is that right. You know for all my faults I have never once eaten a child.

Fortran: They are not there to eat anyone, ditz. God you are so sick. It's Earth Day and Kahli is out there representing endangered species.

Diamond: Earth Day huh? Hey I'm an endangered animal too so you have to be nice to me today.

Fortran: Being endangered won't prevent me from setting you on fire so you better behave.

[laughter and applause]

Diamond: Just wait until my buddies at PETA are done with you. You'll see.

Fortran: And while we're on the subject of insane sick-o's ... our special guest tonight made millions of dollars for himself selling children into private for-profit prison.

[boos and hisses]

Fortran: Oh sure you're like that now but I bet you change your opinion of the man after my sister is done with him.

[laughter and cheers]

Fortran: Exactly. So without further delay please help me give a sticky blood-on-your-hands welcome to ... former Pennsylvania juvenile court judge Mark Ciavarella Junior!

[loud applause, Mr. Mark Ciavarella walks on stage right] 

Fortran: Welcome Mr. Ciavarella! Welcome to Fed to a Tiger! So good of you to join us. We're very pleased. Have a seat ... no Diamond please sit down.

MC: Thank you for having me on the show. Been looking forward to it.

Fortran: You have really? Amazing. So I guess you didn't get the memo.

MC: Uh ... what memo?

Fortran: The memo explaining how you are going to be fed to an actual ... Diamond be still ... look let's skip it for now. Sister seems to be in a hurry ... for some reason

Diamond: Just could be really hungry maybe? 


Fortran: Shut up. So Mr. Ciavarella explain to the audience how it was you got into the business of railroading children into a private for-profit prison?

MC: It didn't happen that way. It's all been a tragic misunderstanding.

Fortran: And yet your confederate in the crime plead guilty. 

MC: That's not admisable in court.

Fortran: This isn't that kind of court sir and we'll admit whatever the fuck evidence we want so shut your pie hole. Is that okay?

[loud applause]

MC: I think I'll be leaving ...

[MC gets up to depart]

[Diamond produces a black .45 calibre semi-auto and points it at MC]

MC: Jesus Christ!

Fortran: You should be so lucky ... no it's a lot worse than that actually. This is Diamond Darkatana, devouring goddess and destroyer of the world of men. She's taken some time out of her busy schedule murdering useless shitheads special to join us on the set. And I believe she's so hungry right now she can't even think straight. Isn't that right sweety?

Diamond: Straight think to cannot begin even. But I can shoot just fine.

[laughter and cheers]

Fortran: You really should sit down Mark before she puts a bullet through your fat head.

[MC sits down]

Fortran: That's better. So where were we oh yes ... evidence. According to court records you either accepted or extorted ... not sure which is worse really ... millions of dollars in kickbacks from PA Child Care ... what a sweet name for a children's prison seriously what deranged madman comes up with this crap ... kickbacks in appreciation for helping them keeping their prison beds full of children some as young a 10 years old.

MC: Those were convicted juvenile prisoners.

Fortran: Who you took into your court without legal representation and extracted terrified and confused confessions from. Isn't that right?

MC: The rules of juvenile court differ from adult courts.

[boos and jeers]

Fortran: Well guess what asshole ... Diamond sit down! ... the higher courts disagreed. After everyone figured out your scam essentially all of those convictions -- 4,000 worth -- were overturned as soon as your perfidy was revealed. After some bake sales and fund raisers many of them along with their families are right here in this audience waiting for the moment you are fed to the tiger. How about you take this final opportunity to say how sorry you are?

MC: I was doing the work of the court and will not appologize!

[loud bang as Diamond fires a round from .45 semi-auto]

[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]

Fortran: Diamond I wasn't finished with him.

Diamond: He's not even dead. Look I'll put him back ... uppsy daisy! You sit right here until sister is finished with you ... hey stop making so much noise it can't hurt that much. Just shut up already. Okay asshole ...

[Diamond hits MC with fist so hard he almost falls out of chair again]

Fortran: Diamond he can't answer questions with a broken jaw.

[Diamond returns to seat]

Diamond: He wasn't giving very useful answers anyway. Do carry on.

Fortran: Fine. So Mr. Ciavarella after your conviction and being sentences to 28 years in prison you were overheard complaining that the U.S. Assistant Attorney Gordon Zubrod ruined your career for no reason. We're thinking that you have 4,000 unjust convictions overturned is pretty much the end of your career anyway. What do you intend to do about it?

[loud bang as Diamond again fires .45 semi-auto]

[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]

[thunderous applause]

Fortran: Diamond darling, you're wrecking it for me.

Diamond: Then don't invite me on the set next time.

[MC screaming and pleading for mercy]

Fortran: The show is called Fed to a Tiger so I needed an actual tiger. Wouldn't hurt you to cooperate a little.

Diamond: Look I'm not as patient as Kahli, okay? Can I just kill this sorry piece of shit now?


Fortran: Seems like the audience has had enough of him. Yeah sure go ahead.

[Diamond crosses stage picks up MC by back of coat]

Diamond: Say hi to that other useless fuck Joe Stalin for me won't you?

[Diamond hits MC in stomach so hard her arm goes right through him and out the back]

[MC wide eyed with shock gurgling death rattle]

[loud applause and cheering]

Fortran: Ooooh I like it.

Diamond: He's still alive. Well a little. What to set him on fire?

Fortran: [shaking head slowly] Nah. Do it.

[Diamond lifting MC to jaws and with fangs rips out throat blood runs everywhere]

[MC dies]

[loud sustained thunderous applause]

[Diamond lets MC slide off arm onto floor, produces hunting knife from behind her back]

Diamond: Time to feed the kitty.

Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, hosted by Fortran with the huntress Diamond standing in for Kahli. Our special guest was former judge Mark Ciavarella, greedy larcenous bastard and all around total asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the young victims of his racketeering and their families. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Ciavarella after he has been reduced to a bucket of Diamond's excrement.

Diamond: Hey I told you last time that's nasty and you are not getting any of my shit.

Fortran: That would be a first.

Diamond: Shut up, slut.

Fortran: She's always grumpy like this at feeding time.

Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...

Audience: Fed to a Tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Fortran's outfit by Bebe. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to a real asshole judge abusing the juvenile justice system for personal profit is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Mr. Mark
Ciavarella Jr. and pleasant stay in prison where hopefully he will contemplate ways he might mend the many lives he has destroyed. But frankly if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Jon Corzine is Fed to a Tiger

Announcer: She's big. She's bad. She's all over stripes and hungry enough to eat a cow! Please give a kind greeting to our resident goddess the tigress Kali, and her co-host ... Cougar! Here for ...Fed to a Tiger!


[Cougar walks on with tigress Kali on a leash]

Cougar: Hello everyone great to see you hello. Say hello to the nice people Kali. See that tail wave? She said hello. What a cat. What an animal. What a homicidal maniac.

[laughter and applause]

Cougar: We have a great show in store for everyone. You are simply going to love it. We have Kali right here and she is probably going to rip the lungs right out of our next guest. That okay with you?

[sustained applause]

Cougar: Great just great, I'll take that show of enthusiasm as a huge yes. Because you already know who's coming on, right? All together now ...

AudienceThe Honorable Jon Corzine!

Cougar: He probably heard that! I really hope so. Okay send him in we've got a lot to talk about.


Cougar: Welcome to the show Mr. Corzine. Have a seat. Welcome welcome. We're just soooopleased you agreed to come and be fed to a tiger.

THJC: I'm sorry? I thought this was the Cramer show.

Cougar: No sir it isn't. No Jim Cramer here although we have invited him to appear. 

THJC: No I'm certain they said I would be talking with Cramer.

Cougar: I imagine your staff simply lied to you, sir. They must really hate the very essence of everything you stand for, because due to their treachery you will shortly be fed to this very tiger.

THJC: That's bullshit.

Cougar: Yeah treachery like that, total bullshit. What a world.

THJC: No I mean feeding me to a tiger, that's bullshit. Not happening.

Cougar: No? Oh okay, my bad. So will you instead talk to us about how it felt stealing all those billions in client funds during the MF Global meltdown?

THJC: I'm not talking about that. Never happened. Nothing like that happened.

Cougar: Fair enough. Let's see ... oh yeah congressional investigators found evidence that you knew about and approved the misuse of segregated client funds to pay off creditors like your good buddies at JP Morgan. You still want to claim it never happened?

THJC: That never happened and Congress never made such a thing public. I think I'm leaving now.

Cougar: Hold on a sec ... just wait ... this tiger knows two tricks sir. You really need to know what they are before you up and leave.

THJC: What about it?

Cougar: Anyone sits down in that exact chair where you are sitting ... right there ... and they they stand up it signals to Kali here that the show is over and she is supposed to eat you.


THJC: Bullshit. You can't threaten me.

Cougar: Not a threat, just a fact of nature, and means you are not running anywhere. So let's relax and chat a bit shall we?

[THJC sits back into chair]

Cougar: Great. 

THJC: Who are all these people? 

Cougar: You mean the audience? Those are a selection from the people whose money you took to pay back JP Morgan as MF Global imploded. And some regulators, past colleagues. Random haters from your illustrious past. Go ahead and say hi.

THJC: Who writes this bullshit for you? Or do you write it yourself? People lost their investment is all, then some of them got paid back anyway.

Cougar: They didn't think they were investing in your company just so you could place bad bets on European bonds. They thought they were paying fees for a service.

THJC: That's just how money works. Savings in the bank are handled exactly the same way.

Cougar: True, that. Since the repeal of Glass-Steagall during the Clinton adminstration everything has become an investment. I guess anybody not really understanding that their money held by you is really your money to do with as you deem fit is just basically an idiot and screwed.

THJC: It's all legal.

Cougar: Meaning, you can get away with taking money from people?

THJC: I don't have to answer that.

Cougar: Nice! So tell us how does it feel to operate above the law?

THJC: I don't have to answer anything. And get rid of the tiger. Now.

Cougar: The tiger stays Mr. Corzine. I was reading recently where someone compared you to Jerry Sandusky, the Penn State football coach who made a career of ass-raping young boys. So long as he brought a winning season Jerry was also above the law. So do you think that is what America has become? A land of winning, just winning, always winning?


Cougar: No comment from the Honorable Corzine. Okay moving on while governor of New Jersey you put your lover on the state payroll. She was not qualified for the job she held other than being your undocumented fuck buddy. She never showed up for work either ... no I'm sorry that's not correct is it my bad... since her work was wrapping herself around your aging meatstick which we can assume she did perfectly well anywhere anytime. Any comment?


Cougar: Nope? Nothing? That's fine. So let's see ... oh yes you blew up MF Global making huge bets that your investment team said were a bad idea. You took a perfectly functional company providing useful services and against the advice of people who knew the business of MF Global placed outsized bets in dicey bonds and blew the company completely to rat shit ... for what we'd like to know. Because you might gain something at no personal risk? Or did you do it for the thrill maybe? What was your motivation Jon? Care to grant us some insights into the brilliant mind of the mighty Corzine?

[ jeers and applause]

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: Or maybe it's less about brilliance and more about power. How about telling us how power works, sir. You think you have so much power you can blow anyone up you want, give us a glimpse how that works. We'd love to hear it.

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar:  All this later bullshit is an echo of the power you shifted while running Goldman Sachs, right? Buy anyone you want, ruin anyone cannot be bought. Politicians, regulators, state legislatures. Just kill them. Rip their faces off. Whatever works or feels good.

THJC: Fuck off. 

Cougar: Get any law passed you need passed. Take any money you want, to place any bet you can think of, and if it blows up the taxpayers will bail your wobbly too-big-to-jail ass right out. Am I right?

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: Oh but at MF Global it was easier just to take deposits first and let the depositors sue for their losses. Piss always runs down hill, doesn't it?

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: But it's the end of all that now. Just the complete end of the road, I'm afraid. Nowhere to jump to now except right into the devouring fire we call Kali.

THJC: Fuck off.

Cougar: You're dead meat, Corzine. This tiger laying right on the floor at my feet is going to rip you to shreds. She's going to gut you. Strip the flesh from your corrupted bones. Drink your blood and devour your black heart. She's going to do all that because she's the handmaiden of death Jon and like death Kali cannot be bought. She isn't part of any thing you control now or ever.

THJC: Enjoying yourself? 

Cougar: I am indeed as is everyone in the audience. As are the staff who betrayed you into coming here. As all are your cronies in Congress and the financial industries who are so sick of your random, stupid bullshit they are willing to overlook you being ripped to pieces and eaten by an animal. We're all going to watch Kali destroy you right off the edges of the map of all destruction. 

THJC: You are fucking insane. 

Cougar: Perhaps. But I can absolutely promise you one thing ... Kali is a maniac. Insane as the mirrored halls of Hell. Made completely of knives this cat is going to turn you inside out like a deep dish pizza, Jon. And after she's done eating you to the bone she's going to shit you all over her grotto. Piss and shit you in puddles and steaming piles with everyone on the planet Earth watching her do it live on web cam.

THJC: You won't get away with this.

Cougar: I certainly will. Oh and I mentioned Kali knows two tricks. I explained the first, that if you ever get up from that chair the interview is over and she rips you apart in under two seconds.

THJC: Yeah and what's the other trick? She rolls over or some stupid shit like that?

Cougar: No Jon. She does exactly the same thing on command.

[moment of suspenseful silence]

Cougar: Kali ... kill the mutherfucker!

 [THJC leaps from chair with Kali in pursuit. Crash of furniture. Shouts and muffled screaming]

[thunderous applause]

Cougar: He tried didn't he? Got maybe -- what, 10 feet? That level of effort might have worked with Congress and Federal regulators but it's just not quite quick enough to escape a tiger.

[more crashing as Kali moves around the set]

[continued applause]

Cougar: She's not a small animal, notice. Kali and I wrestle a bit when she's feeling frisky, I usually end up bruised all over.

[polite laughter]

[Kali settles down and starts eating as applause trails off]

Cougar: Finally! She might not be very hungry today, so soon after the last one. I was getting nervous she might want to play. Seems not thank you God.


Announcer: And that wraps it up for another edition of Fed to a Tiger. Tune in next time when we'll get a change to visit Mr. Corzine after he has been reduced to tiger excrement.

CougarMostly Jon Corzine! Kali is probably still processing some Paul Krugman today. Hey that's kinda neat, there could be some cat shit with both Paul and Jon! Some of of you might appreciate the special irony of that. Remind the audience how that works, Ben.

Announcer: Everyone in the live audience for today's show will receive via postal carrier a genuine piece of Jon Corzine -- with possibly some Paul Krugman in the mix -- as freeze-dried excrement courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.

Cougar: That's right the Honorable Jon Corzine realized as cat shit! I know -- huge improvement, right? It's not your lost money but wow what an ending for a slippery fucker like Corzine. Have him bronzed. Encase him in resin and then donate him to the charity raffle. Or feed him to the koi in the backyard pond! Use your imagination, he certainly used his.

Announcer: And remember everyone, don't ever let yourself be ...

AudienceFed to a tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Kali's collar by Mauled of Chicago . Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole sociopath grifter is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host of course wish the real Mr. Jon Corzine good health and all the best in his future professional endeavors. However if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Dr. Paul Krugman is Fed to a Tiger

Announcer: Hello again everyone and welcome back to another thought-provoking edition of Fed to a Tiger, as always with your host  ... Cougar!


Cougar: Hello everyone. Hello. Thank you, you are very kind. Wow great audience tonight no really thank you. I'm overwhelmed.


Cougar: Wow look at that. I feel like I've won the Nobel Prize in Economics or something.

[polite laughter]

Cougar: Yeah you guys caught that one, good. Not many audiences would have appreciated the reference. That's why I like to work before a professional crowd once in a while. Who do we have in the audience tonight, Ben?

Announcer: Well Cougar tonight's audience is composed of academics, policy makers and critics with expertise in the fields of economics, Federal policy, and market analysis, among others.

Cougar: Seriously! That's a lot of grey matter to have all in one place. Wait I have an idea! How about instead of feeding some asshole to a tiger we instead take this opportunity to resolve now and forever the debate between the relative importance of market efficiency mechanisms verses aggregate demand? Anyone up for that?

[loud applause and laughter]

Announcer: Sorry Cougar, but our  producer just informed me we really do need to feed someone to the tiger. Something about this being stipulated in Kali's performance contract.

Cougar: Snap! Well there you go folks. Sorry. But if it comes down to either clarifying the world's great macroeconomic questions ... or feeding a hungry tiger ... well I gotta go with keeping myself alive out here, see?


Cougar: What a great bunch. I'm really having fun up here. But since Kali like time waits for no man, we must forge ahead. And we really do have a very special show tonight. Tonight we kill and devour no less a light than Dr. Paul Krugman!


Cougar: Professor of Economics and International Affairs at the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs at Princeton University. Centenary Professor at the London School of Economics. And a frequent contributing columnist for The New York Times. Recipient of the 2008 Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences. Author of 20 books, more than 200 scholarly articles, and over 750 columns on topics covering economic and political issues! So won't you please raise the roof for today's cat food ... Paul Krugman!

[applause as Dr. Krugman enters stage left]

Cougar: Welcome sir. Thank you for joining us on the show. Have a seat please right here. Excellent.

PK: It's a pleasure to be here.

Cougar: Excellent just excellent. Mad props for taking time away from your busy schedule of appearances and writing vaguely slanderous op-ed pieces to join us. So share with us Dr. Krugman your thoughts on the current state of the global economic picture.

PK: I see evidence that flexible monetary policy responses taken together have improved the overall stability of the macroeconomic picture.

Cougar: Or to put that in English; the rich got richer, so it's all good.

PK: You know I am heading up an effort to better understand the issues of wealth inequality.

Cougar: At $25,000 per month, yes we heard about that. And as for understanding it, I'll save you some trouble and let you know that the rich getting all the money on the planet for their personal use is likely 100% of the problem. I won't even charge you a dime for that bit, my gift to humanity. With that said you are of course planning to donate your gains from the project to charity?


PK: The best route for capital investment during a recession is via government spending, not charity.

Cougar: Ah yes your favourite baseless canard unsupported by evidence. The consensus now is that so much money has been siphoned off by the insolvent too-big-to-fail institutions like JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs that almost nothing -- no let me correct myself -- absolutely nothing makes its way to Main Street where it might do some good. So explain to us again how does qualitative easing actually manage to save the economy?

PK: Government intervention calms markets and creates incentives to invest.

Cougar: Spoken like a true saltwater economist! Keynes must be proud.


PK: The freshwater school of economics is composed of morons who never understood the classic foundations of macroeconomic theory.

[boos and jeers]

Cougar: Oooh! Burn! And yet many working economists claim you have deliberately taken a steaming shit all over those very classics, creating instead a parody of classicism that from the outset enabled the overbearing excesses of the central management style of authoritarian state, setting us all up for a possible resurgence of corporatist Fascism not seen since 1936 Germany. Or am I wrong?

[loud applause]

PK: You are worse than wrong sir you are a fool and a discredit to the field of economics.

Cougar: Actually I'm a writer of fantasy fiction but now you mention it there are some cogent similarities with economics.


Cougar: Great audience tonight. Classy bunch. You guys can laugh at yourselves, I like it.

PK: Economics is a science. Fact. We know everything and hold all the power in the world. Actually forget this we thing -- I know everything and I do not share power. Resulting from my high opinion of myself and the manner in which my theories further empower the powerful, I have been recruit to consult with presidents and central bankers the world over. My opinions are now enshrined in the monetary and economic policy of five continents. There is no room for debate. The verdict is in and monetary interventionism supporting deficit investment has saved the global economy from ruin. So I win. Anyone disagrees will be shown in an unfavourable light in my next column for the New York Times. You sir in particular have offended my sensibilities and must atone or be socially destroyed. Here, kiss my Nobel ring.

Cougar: If I must then ... oh that's pretty. Can my girlfriend have a look? She's into shiny things.

PK: Yeah I know, this drives women crazy. Sure bring her out but be warned she might want my D after.

Cougar: Dr. Krugman my girl is totally going down on your D ... in exactly 53 seconds. Kali come here girl good tiger that's right.

[tiger Kali walks on stage right]

PK: Is that a real tiger?

Cougar: No sir, it is not a tiger rather it as a theory being put to a test.

PK: I see. And what is the test?

Cougar: The test is will this particular tiger will hit someone made entirely of asshole.

PK: Oh I'm an expert in that field as well, having held the prestigious Peabody Chair for Asshatery in Dublin. Where in 1988 -- in response to some silly nonsense written by Nestler 1986 -- I first stipulated in a 512 page opinion that tigers will not hit asshole.

Cougar: Yes we know about that, we read it and noticed some flaws in your logic. But we can clear this up easily enough with a simple field test. Kali ... kill the mutherfucker!

[roaring, crashing of furniture accompanied by screams]

[loud applause and cheering]

Cougar: Wow look at that, seems Nestler 1986 nailed that shit first time. You owe him a retraction, Krugman you noisy fucker.

PK: [gasping] Subject to ... initial conditions ... but ... Nobel Prize ...

[Kali snarling rips out Dr. Krugman's throat]

[applause and cheering]

Cougar: Oops looks like Kali was just as sick of listening to your shit as the rest of us, Krugman. But don't worry we'll take care of the retraction for you.

Announcer: Hey Cougar, according to the producer Dr. Nestler (retired Chair Emertus Cornell University School of Business Sciences) is right here in the audience!

Cougar: Get out! That is sooooo cool. Bring the good man forward. Oh that must be him right now dancing the funky chicken in the isle! Looking good for -- what -- must be 96? Join me on the stage sir, if you don't mind. Someone help him up. This is great just great.

[loud sustained applause and cheering]

[Dr. Nestler slowing taking the stage on a cane with assistance]

Cougar: Thank you for joining us on the set, Dr. Nestler. Seems your theory turned out to be spot-on after all. Any words for the audience in this your moment of vindication?

Dr. Nestler: [clears throat] This is a very special moment for myself and the entire field of applied macrotigeromics. I would like to thank Dr. Krugman for taking the time in 1988 to respond to my presentation, but as I pointed out at the time he was nothing but an insufferable asshole whose skill in the field did not attain his undo influence. He is far better off eaten by a tiger. Thank you.

[loud applause]

Cougar: Eloquent and gracious! What a class act. Thank you Dr. Nestler for joining us!

[Dr. Nestler  making his way off stage with assistance.]

[sustained applause]

Announcer: And that about wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Dr. Paul Krugman, Nobel Laureate and all around complete asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of peers and colleagues whom he has made a long career of villifying with baseless insults and accusations of incompetance. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Dr. Krugman after he has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.

Cougar: Twenty-seven feet of aggressive feline digestive tract will probably do that to just about anyone, but we're still doing ground tests to verify. Tell the audience about the best part, Ben.

Announcer: Everyone who contributed to luring Dr. Krugman out of his ivory tower and getting him on the set will receive via postal carrier a small, freeze-dried piece of Dr. Krugman as excrement. Courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.


Cougar: Real Paul Krugman Nobel Laureate, adviser to kings, realized as actual cat shit. Have him bronzed. Set him in resin. Mount him on a plaque on the wall in the business school library. We know it's small consolation realized too late, and we freely admit that Paul Krugman as cat shit is not the Nobel Prize in Economics, but since the Nobel committee tarnished the prize by giving it to an asshole like Krugman who wants it anyway?


Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...

Audience: Fed to a Tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Kali's collar by Eaten Alive of London. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole economists destroying the global economy with flawed advice is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host of course wish Dr. Paul Krugman all the best in his future professional endeavours, but if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.