Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Chris Culliver of the SF 49ers is Fed to a Tiger

Announcer: Hello everyone. It's time again for another exciting edition of Fed to a Tiger with your host ... Cougar!


Cougar: Hey everyone! Great to be here just great to be here. How is everyone tonight? All fired up?

[whistles and cheers]

Cougar: That's what I like to see! You guys are just super love that energy. Let's see now ... looking around the audience we have ... some current and former team mates, some coaches hey guys thanks for coming you're great sports ...  ex-girlfriends sorry about the bruises ladies, we got your back. Assorted random and angry football fans go team! Oh and the San Jose Bicycle Safety Union, advocating for safer streets thank you soooo much for coming. We hope this is worth your trouble, everyone.


Cougar: I'm glad I really am. And not to disappoint we've got a great show lined up for you. Really special you're gonna love it. Tonight of course we are going to talk to Chris Culliver, lately of the San Francisco 49ers football team, about what it's like to live the carefree gangster life on US dollars one-point-six million per season. Sound interesting?

[boos and hisses]

Cougar: And not just that, do I ever have a treat for you folks today. I am sooo excited. Because we get to have two tigers on the set. Please help me give a very special Fed to a Tiger welcome to two very lovely ladies of the night. Your favorite of course the tigress Kali ... and my besty Diamond "the huntress" Darkatana! Come on out, girls.

[applause and Diamond enters leading Kali on a leash]

Cougar: Aren't they beautiful creatures? Have you ever seen anything so right as these two together? Have a seat Diamond. Good girl Kali, lay down. Lay down. Nice kitty. Wow. What a sight.

Diamond: Thanks for having me on the set today, Cougar. Kali and I have been having some girl time back stage. She's a wonderful animal, I'm always honored that she accepts me as one of her own kind.

Cougar: Well you are one of her own kind, so why not? Evil medical school science didn't manage to get the human/tiger mix quite right did they Diamond?

Diamond: [stroking tail in lap] Oh I don't know, Cougar. I'm pretty happy with the mix. It's the actual pretending to be human part that gets old.

[laughter from audience]

Cougar: I hear that. And then you have that whole apex predator thing going on. Must be a lot of work and yet you look so beautiful all the time. So tell us when was the last time you ate someone?

Diamond: [scratching Kali on head] Oh golly probably ... a week ago? I can't keep track really. I eat I fall asleep, I wake up and I need to eat.

Cougar: Wow what a life! I bet our next guest Chris Culliver could totally relate. So Diamond you must be hungry right about now?

Diamond: Oh yes absolutely. And Kali could eat a horse, I think. You should have heard her stomach growling just before we came on. Had my fur on end, let me tell you.

Cougar: That's the way we like it around here! Not sure there is any actual horse on the menu but how do you feel about overpaid asshole gangster athlete?

Diamond: If Kali is willing to share, I'd hit it.

Cougar: Nice! So with introductions out of the way ... let's do this! Please join me in extending a warm-as-piss welcome to 49ers defensive back Chris "brass knuckles" Culliver!

[applause. Culliver enters on set with publicist]

Cougar: Welcome Mr. Culliver! Oh and also your handler, Xenon Wormboogie! Thank you both for coming. Have a seat!

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC: Thanks for having me on the show.

Cougar: Our pleasure. Really. So let's start off with you explaining to the audience your views on gays as human beings?

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC: I'm looking forward to the 2014 football season and demonstrating my competitive character on the field, Cougar.

Cougar: Great answer! So we can expect to see a genuine reprobate thug out there next season?

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC: Football is a tough game. I remain dedicated to the 49ers organization and any season I play I'll bringing my own style to game play just like I do off the field.

Cougar: And that would be a hit-and-run vehicular misdemenor kind of style I guess?

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC:  Fans want to see a clean game, but fans want to see a winner too. I always play to win first. I let the officials decide what's fair.

Cougar: Yeah we noticed! In fact lately you've pretty much spent all of your time dodging either the law or public opinion. You think that's good for the sport of football?

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC: Winning is what is good for the team and the sport of football and ... uh ... fuck this nigga what do I care about no fucking skinny little dude on a bicycle. Pissing me off.

Cougar: Winning, we get that part. But are you intending to develop yourself at all as a human being as opposed to acting like a degenerate sociopath most of the time?

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC: [to XW] Ain't say'n that nigga. You shut up man. Just shut up. Starting to annoy shit out of me.

XW: [whispers into CC's ear]

CC:  [turns in chair and hits XW in jaw with fist] There have some. Now shut up or I bust you again.

Diamond: Now?

Cougar: Not yet sweetheart. I'll take that as a no Mr. Culliver. Tell us Chris do you think this kind of gangster bullshit is what the 49ers organization paid a cool million plus for?

CC: You can shut up too. What you know 'bout bullshit nigga. I got money banked and a new Shelby Mustang convertible does 600 horse power. What you got? Anything? And I can kick your ass if I want.

Diamond: Now?

Cougar: Almost done.

CC: What you got anyway faggot? You got anything 'cept a little dick? Cougar ... what kind of name is that. Hell I'd have kicked your ass twice already just because. Yo Xenon tell this mutherfucker how it is, that's what you're paid for ... the fuck ... dat chick has a tail? That's mad, bro. She hella ugly dat bitch.

XW: The 49ers organization stands 100% behind Mr. Culliver both as a player and off the field and while the management ...

CC: Fuck that Xenon. Fuck it. I'm a man, mutherfucker. I'm not just another player. Players don't know real shit like I know it. Gangster shit. I'm all OJ and dat shit. You can't touch me. A man like OJ he does what the fuck ever he wants to. If ever I run over a little faggot on his cheap ass bicycle, then fuck him. And go fuck that asshole ran me down in his Hundai and called the cops. That nigga got no class at all. He just a little-ass player in a Hundai and I got a harem of hot chicks hanging all on my Mustang all day. What you got Cougar? You got any pussy? Loser. Show us some pussy you got.

Cougar: Well now that you mention it, I happen to have two really nice pussies.

CC: I bet you got shit for pussy. Sorry loose-assed pussy or nuth'n. Loser.

Diamond: NOW??

Cougar: Now.

Diamond: Kali ... kill that motherfucker!

[roaring. crashing of furniture. screams and yells. maniacal female laughter]

XW: Christ what a useless turd of a human being.

[sustained loud applause]

CC: Fuck, what the ...

Diamond: Too stupid to die. I like it. Here, have some of this.

[heavy thud]

[thunderous applause, cheering]

Cougar: Oh that musta hurt. Diamond you bring it.

Diamond: Hey look at this. I was worried he would be full of shit. But looks edible to me ... whoa Kali hold up a sec.

[Kali dragging CC off the set by an arm]

Cougar: No no Kali. Come back girl. Darn and people paid to see this. Diamond would you fetch her back?

Diamond: She's hungry and pissed off. How about you go fetch her.

Cougar: Uhhhh ...

Diamond: Smart guy. Well heck that was fun we should do this again but right now it's time to tank up so I'm outtie. Bye everyone!

[applause and cheers]

Cougar: What can I say? Diamond is right, you don't want to come between 600 pounds of temperamental feline and her overpaid asshole gangster athlete meal.

Announcer: This is probably a good time to remind the audience that we do included a DVD recording of the being-devoured-by-a-tiger part as our thank you gift.

Cougar: Hey that's right! They can watch Culliver being eaten to the bone by a pair of the world's most beautiful and wild animals, over and over! Extra copies available for a minimal fee. Makes a great stocking stuffer for that sports fan on your holiday list!


Diamond: [off-stage] Invite me back later, we can kill another one and make it a Thanksgiving special.

Cougar: That's our Diamond, never misses a bet.

Announcer: Also included will be a freeze-dried piece of Chris Culliver as tiger excrement.

Cougar: Probably the best part of the deal! Yes Chris Culliver, barely human on a good day, usefully reduced to actual cat shit! Certainly an improvement over the original. Have him bronzed. Store him under glass. Or just flush him down the toilet! You suffered long for this moment, use your imagination.

XW: Can I get some too? 

Cougar: Absolutely.

Diamond: [off-stage] Hey that's nasty and I am not giving you any of my shit.

Cougar: Diamond I don't need any of your shit, woman. Sell your shit on EBay for all I care.

Diamond: [off-stage] He's a bad man Kali, don't listen to him ... no that's mine ... look bitch I ... hey!

[snarling off-stage, then crashing followed by fearsome roars] 

Cougar: Now now girls no fighting. Diamond just give it to her ... hey stop biting my tiger!

Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Chris Culliver, defensive back for the San Francisco 49ers football team and all around asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of everyone he ever treated like low life scum unworthy of basic human dignity. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Culliver after he has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.

Diamond: [walking back on stage licking fingers] You people are sick. You know that right?

Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...

Audience: Fed to a Tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Kali's collar by PanzerKunst of Berlin. Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real asshole athlete sociopaths currently raking in millions to behave like thugs is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Chris Culliver of the 49ers a fair and speedy trial with the sincere hope that he uses the experiece to grow as a human being. That said we don't know for sure he's worth the effort at this point and if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.


  1. Cougar, this is outstanding. I propose giving Megan Huntsman to Kali. If anyone deserved to be fed to a tiger that worthless twat does.

  2. Love the guest appearance. You may need to do more of that in the future, ya know, to keep it interesting. Or other guest animals? Or maybe a special appearance by a victim on stage with the perp before the tiger is fed (wink, wink).


Would you like to have someone fed to a tiger? We're happy to take requests! Cat food should be well known, wealthy and/or influential, and lack all redeeming human qualities. Professional athletes, bankers, media personalities and politicians are all fair game.