Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Bernie Madoff is Fed to a Tiger

Announcer: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Fed To a Tiger! With your host ... Cougar!

Cougar: Hey everyone hi glad to be here great to be here. You all look great. Sweet kids you got there sir, thanks for bringing the children they can sit a little closer and get a good look at the kitty. She loves kids. Ha ha no really she's great with kids. And I'm really pleased everyone in our live studio could come and have this sweet, sweet moment of revenge. Because our guest today is none other than .... ooooooh wait for it .... that's right Bernie Madoff!

[boos and hisses]

Cougar: Mr. Madoff is currently doing ... well let's not call it hard time okay ... doing a cushy bit in prison on 11 felony counts for running what is currently thought to have been the largest and most costly Ponzi scheme in the history of the world.

[boos and hisses]

Cougar: Yeah tell me about it. Well because of all your efforts and fund raising, and because the judicial system is not entirely corrupted by corporate money, our producers were able to get Mr. Madoff sprung from jail just for this appearance here on Fed To a Tiger before the very people he defrauded! Isn't that special.


Cougar: I can see how much you are looking forward to this. And trust me, Kali here is really eager to get down to business [scratches tiger behind the ears]  isn't she Kali ... that's right ... and who's been a good maneater all day yes she has. So without further ado let's have our very special guess join us on the set ... Bernie Madoff!

[thunderous applause]

Cougar: Have a seat Mr. Madoff, and welcome to Fed to a Tiger. We're so happy you could join us.

BM: It's great to be out of prison finally, thank you for having me. I'm looking forward to a return to productive life outside.

Cougar: So the officials mentioned you won't be going back, did they?

BM: Oh yes. I'm glad the wheels of justice have found their tracks, I should have never been in that place anyway.

Cougar: Yeah? Fascinating. So what can you tell us about investing, Mr. Madoff.

BM: My favourite subject!  I always did enjoy managing other peoples' money. I recommend it, if you have a few million to start a fund. Promise an impossible return on investment and greedy people will just pour their savings into your venture no questions asked.

Cougar: That's some wacky stuff right there! So would you agree with the statement that some people just deserve to be tooled?

BM: As a rule, yes. There are those who understand finances, and then there those who need to be saved of the burden of their wealth.

Cougar: Because money knows its proper master.

BM: Yes, money does. And I am the lord of wealth. In fact I've been using my time in prison to start some new ventures.

Cougar: Wait ... while in prison? That's so gangster! Loving it, Bernie. Just loving it. So tell us what you have up that crooked sleeve of yours.

BM: [laughing] No no I cannot, really. While you are very kind I am currently banned from any form of investment management. So you'll just have to contact the restaurant fronting for my new venture. I put the address on the guest list as I signed in. And while you are there I recommend the ravioli, they are to die for.

Cougar: Sneaky guy, Bernard you epic sneakster you! Oh and on the subject of dying, you probably noticed we have tiger on the set. Say hello to Kali.

BM: That's a real tiger? I thought it was stuffed. Oh I get it now, there is something about tigers in the name of the show. That's very clever.

Cougar: Yes it is extremely clever. Well Mr Madoff you might have walked in here wearing prison orange, but you'll be walking out wearing stripes! You like stripes I hope?

BM: Not my personal favourite and I don't play games as a rule but if I have to put on a stripped coat or something to skip on prison, I suppose I'll suffer the indignation.

Cougar: Stripes it is, then! Kali ... kill the motherfucker!

BM: What did ... aaaagh! 

[screaming, accompanied by roaring and the crashing of furniture, followed by sustained thunderous applause]

Cougar: She brings the hurt, people. That's our girl. Was that quick or what?

[continued sustained thunderous applause and cheering]

Cougar: Notice how she goes straight into eating the fat fuck. That's just how a tiger rolls, you know. You think your pimped out  J-series Jaguar is fast? This cat goes from zero to completely insane in under two seconds.

[wet sound of chewing and ripping flesh]

Cougar: I love this part, really. Those with a delicate stomach might want to avert your eyes, but honestly you've come this far at great expense having lost everything you invested in this guy, you really owe it to yourself to watch him being fed to a tiger.

[ polite applause]

Announcer: And that warps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Bernard Madoff. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the victims of his Ponzi scheme. Tune in next time when we visit Mr. Madoff after he has been reduced to a bucket of excrement.

Cougar: Twenty-seven feet of aggressive feline digestive tract will do that to just about anyone ... isn't that right wittle kawi. Hey! No biting! Let go! Jeez ... like I'm going to steal your meal?Tell the audience about the best part, Ben.

Announcer: Everyone who contributed to springing Mr. Madoff and getting him on the set will receive via postal carrier a small, freeze-dried piece of Mr. Maddoff as excrement. Courtesy of Fed to a Tiger.


Cougar: Real Bernie Madoff, realized as actual cat shit. Have it bronzed. Set it in resin. Take delight in flushing it down the toilet. Or since dogs love that kind of thing you can run Mr. Madoff through one of your hounds for even greater personal satisfaction!

Announcer: Fun for the whole family. So until next time, don't let yourself be ...

Audience: Fed to a Tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Kali's collar by La Femme Fatale of Paris. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer was Rose McIntyre. All characters are fictitious, any resemblance to any real sociopaths as strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Bernard Madoff a long and comfortable stay in prison, but if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.


  1. Excellent.

    I just hope tigers don't get sick from eating assholes.


  2. Fucking awesome! I loved it!


Would you like to have someone fed to a tiger? We're happy to take requests! Cat food should be well known, wealthy and/or influential, and lack all redeeming human qualities. Professional athletes, bankers, media personalities and politicians are all fair game.