Thursday, April 17, 2014

Megan Huntsman of Utah is Fed to a Tiger

Announcer: Hello everyone and welcome back to another exciting episode of Fed to a Tiger with your host ... Cougar!


Cougar: Thank you thank you great audience tonight I can tell. Just great. Thank you all for coming all the way from Utah. Great state. Well folks it had to happen. We just had to bring someone on the set with a genuine sad story. You know what I'm talking about right? This woman must be seriously deranged, right? Terrible tragedy, just terrible. Sickening I should say. She needs help ... or something. Well see here at Fed to a Tiger we don't offer help no all we have is the something. It isn't pretty, but it's what we got and we fake it 'til we make it.


Cougar: I appreciate the support, really. It means a lot to me. Means a lot to Kali too. Come on out Kali ... good girl. That's right. Come right here.

[tigress Kali walks onto set stage left]

Cougar: Lay down right here, goooood girl Kali that's a good tiger. You ready to do this? Yeah? Is she ready to do this? Okay then ... let's do this. Without further delay let's give a warm time-to-die welcome to Megan Huntsman of Pleasant Grove, Utah! Someone send her in.


Cougar: Hi Megan have a seat. Thank you for coming.

MH: It's okay but I guess I'm a little confused?

Cougar: More than a little, hun. So let's start off with the sanctity of life. You know, the Big L. What do you think about life, Megan?

MH: I think life is great. I've always enjoyed being alive.

Cougar: Yeah life is a wonderful thing. Women are probably closer to life than men are, you ladies are pretty much the gateway for the entire human race, am I right?

MH: I don't know maybe. It's confusing.

Cougar: Is it now? Fascinating. So what confused you most about life when you killed each of your six surviving newborns?

MH: I was uncertain about things I guess. You know how it is with relationships. People coming and going all the time. Men and whoever. I'm usually confused.

Cougar: Actually no I don't know anything about that myself. Well if you were having a hard time relating, why chance a pregnancy? An adult can make decisions about things like that.

MH: Making decisions is ... I don't know ... maybe hard for me? I don't really know, can't say.

Cougar: Can't say is that it. Could it be that it's hard for you to make difficult decisions?

MH: Maybe. I'm just really confused right now.

Cougar: It appears that way, yes. So no contraception for you the last 10 years?

MH: Contraception is against the will of God, because it is killing the unborn.

Cougar: Of course. How silly of me. How about abortion. Same thing right?

MH: Yes. Killing the unborn is just wrong.

Cougar: Nicely said. So you were forced to give birth to six unwanted babies. Fine. Well then there was the option of adoption. Little babies move really quickly into new homes.

MH: That's embarrassing, not wanting a baby. And I just kept having them. I already had two older children I just didn't want any more.

Cougar: I see I see. Well then you could have simply not have had sex then.

MH: It's my right to have as much sex with as many men as I want.

Cougar: And it's also your right to not have to deal with any more babies.

MH: Well yeah. It's not like a man ever has to deal with those things, so why should I?

Cougar: You suddenly sound a little less confused, Megan.

MH: I just know what I want for myself that's all. Nobody can tell me what to do with my life.

Cougar: And yet ... there are laws against actual murder.


MH: I don't think those laws apply here.

Cougar: Fair enough, you don't have to get tense. 

MH: You don't know what a woman has to go through so how can you judge me.

Cougar: Not judging anyone, just making small talk. So I have one more question Megan and then we can bring on our next guest. How do you feel personally about the law of the jungle?

MH: I ... don't know what that is.

Cougar: Not surprised, most people wouldn't. Simply stated, it is the law of survival. That every creature must struggle to survive. That struggle is all the law of nature and no other law can change it.

MH: I think most people don't have to worry about that.

Cougar: Seems like everyone in your family has had to deal with it though, and the youngest of your spawn were not able to fend off an attack from a terrible predator. So they died. That's the law of survival. The weak perish and the strong do not. QED.

MH: I don't know what you mean by predator.

Cougar: Who killed your tiny newborns, Megan?

MH: I did.

Cougar: And there is our predator, killing the weak. Though to have done it correctly you would have had to eat them as well. A proper predator kills to eat and for no other reason, not even to defend. Did that ever occur to you? To eat your babies, I mean?

MH: Of course not! What a terrible thing to say! That's disgusting.

Cougar: I agree, it is. Just putting it out there. Speaking of predators you might have noticed we have an actual tiger on the set. Say hello to Kali.

MH: That is a lovely cat. Is it a boy or a girl?

Cougar: A girl, most definitely. And mother of several litters of kittens over the years, all of them raised to independence and then released into the wild to help preserve tigers in their native habitat.

MH: That's nice. I like tigers.

Cougar: Do you? Fascinating. Well we're very proud of Kali, she's been a superb mother.


Cougar: Everyone likes a good mother. She's named after a Hindu goddess who, among her many attributes, is also known as the destroyer of evil. And on that note! Everyone please welcome our next guest your friend and mine ... death.

NH: How do you invite death? Death does not exist.

Cougar: It's odd that someone like you should say something like that.

[loud applause]

Cougar: Well that's all we have for today's show.

MH: I don't really get it though.

Cougar: Maybe this will help. Kali ... kill the stupid cunt.

[Kali leaps to feet and attacks. Screaming. Crashing furniture.]

[long silence]

Cougar: Well it's gotten really quiet all of a sudden. Not much to feel good about here, is there folks?

[audience murmuring]

Cougar: I think I know why. It's because everyone here has had to make tough decisions, and nobody likes having to do that, and we naturally sympathize for someone who had trouble with that. But then usually we do make them anyway and we do what's right because that's what adults do. We do the right thing anyway because others need us to be that way. If it means getting beat up over events, we take our lumps and move on. Life goes on.


Cougar: Thank you. And those as don't ... well they suffer for it. We know that. And usually that means everyone around them suffers for it, too. The guilty and the innocent alike. This woman here being eaten by a tiger has three surviving female children. They'll wonder probably every single day for the rest of their lives why they got to live and all the other babies had to die. They can't ever feel very good about that unexplained bit of contingent history. And you have to wonder what will adult life look like to them? What nightmares will they endure when as females they face the prospect of child birth. Or even, pregnancy. Or maybe, mate selection? How far will they get into a woman's natural life trajectory before the prospect of killing their own babies just like mother did grips their fevered imagination?

[audience murmuring]

Cougar: Yeah. Looks pretty bleak from here. Bad decisions have a way of echoing down the generations. Now take Kali here, all the bad things in her life where forced on her ... by us. She didn't cause the near-extinction of her kind. She didn't want to watch her mother being killed by poachers and herself trapped as a cub and hauled off alone and terrified. Nobody asked her if she wanted to perform degrading tricks in a cheap circus. She didn't want to kill the stupid fucker who abused her off stage, she just wanted him to stop. Nor later did she understand being shot and wounded by a bunch of terrified cops. She didn't ask for or deserve any of those crazy, random things. That was all about us. Kali just wanted to survive. Maybe eventually find a mate, bear her offspring and care for them as best she could. Pretty simple because Kali is just a dumb animal with simple needs trying to survive in a complicated man-made jungle.

[Kali her muzzle red with blood looking up and snarling softly]

[loud applause]

Cougar: Easy girlfriend, just waxing poetic. We're good, you and me. You enjoy your meal, I'll shut up now.

Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, with today's special guest Megan Huntsman, mother of 10 and killer of 6 of those, and an all around selfish, cannibalistic sociopath. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of people from her town who will probably always wonder what they might have done differently. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Ms. Huntsman after she has been reduced to a bucket of Kali's excrement.

Cougar: I dunno, Ben. The whole thing makes me sick. Maybe we just flush this one down the toilet. Whaddyathink, Kali?

[Kali snarls and lashes her tail]

Announcer: Toilet it is. So until next time, don't let yourself be ...

Audience: Fed to a Tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Kali was today on her own and not wearing a fancy collar. Cougar's wardrobe courtesy REI Outfitters. Set design by Fortran. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious, except for death. Any resemblance to any real self-absorbed baby-killing sociopaths is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Megan Huntsman of Pleasant Grove, Utah a fair and speedy trial resulting in a life spent behind bars, with the sincere hope that her surviving daughters somehow manage to assume normal lives as responsible adults free of pathology and regret. That said we don't know for sure they can actually do that now and if there was any way we could have legally fed their mother to a tiger, we absolutely would have.

1 comment:

  1. Outstanding! And the modest proposal nod gets bonus marks. I cant log onto ZH right now, but I wanted you to know that you killed it.


Would you like to have someone fed to a tiger? We're happy to take requests! Cat food should be well known, wealthy and/or influential, and lack all redeeming human qualities. Professional athletes, bankers, media personalities and politicians are all fair game.