Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Judge Mark Ciavarella is fed to a tiger

Announcer: Hello everyone. It's time again for another exciting edition of Fed to a Tiger tonight with your special guest host the always beautiful and sometimes deadly ... Fortran!

[applause and whistles]

[Fortran enters stage right]

Fortran: Oh-em-gee! I am so happy to be here! Hello everyone. What a lovely audience. Thank you. This is going to be sooooo much fun!


Fortran: I'll be sitting in today for Cougar. And because Kahli is away as well I've invited my dearest friend and sister-at-arms on the set with me tonight to help kill someone. And you know what a useful kitty she is when it comes to casual murder. Please give a huge hand to the mighty -- Diamond Darkatana!

[applause and cheering]

[Diamond walks on stage left, waving into crowd]

[Fortran and Diamond hug and Diamond takes a chair]

[Fortran folds her wings and sits behind host's desk]

Fortran: You look great Di. Thanks for joining me on the set. Hey are those new boots?

Diamond: They are, do you like them? They come from Australia and are supposed to be made out of real kangaroo.

Fortran: But ... kangaroos are so cute! Please send them back.


Diamond: I hate to break this to you but sending the boots back won't return the kangaroo to life.

[more laughter]

Fortran: You know on reflection I could have someone else on the set who isn't quite so much of a butt head.

Diamond: I love you too. So where exactly are Cougar and Kahli tonight? Out having drinks or something?

Fortran: No they were making a round of visits to local elementary schools today and couldn't be on the set.

Diamond: Is that right. You know for all my faults I have never once eaten a child.

Fortran: They are not there to eat anyone, ditz. God you are so sick. It's Earth Day and Kahli is out there representing endangered species.

Diamond: Earth Day huh? Hey I'm an endangered animal too so you have to be nice to me today.

Fortran: Being endangered won't prevent me from setting you on fire so you better behave.

[laughter and applause]

Diamond: Just wait until my buddies at PETA are done with you. You'll see.

Fortran: And while we're on the subject of insane sick-o's ... our special guest tonight made millions of dollars for himself selling children into private for-profit prison.

[boos and hisses]

Fortran: Oh sure you're like that now but I bet you change your opinion of the man after my sister is done with him.

[laughter and cheers]

Fortran: Exactly. So without further delay please help me give a sticky blood-on-your-hands welcome to ... former Pennsylvania juvenile court judge Mark Ciavarella Junior!

[loud applause, Mr. Mark Ciavarella walks on stage right] 

Fortran: Welcome Mr. Ciavarella! Welcome to Fed to a Tiger! So good of you to join us. We're very pleased. Have a seat ... no Diamond please sit down.

MC: Thank you for having me on the show. Been looking forward to it.

Fortran: You have really? Amazing. So I guess you didn't get the memo.

MC: Uh ... what memo?

Fortran: The memo explaining how you are going to be fed to an actual ... Diamond be still ... look let's skip it for now. Sister seems to be in a hurry ... for some reason

Diamond: Just could be really hungry maybe? 


Fortran: Shut up. So Mr. Ciavarella explain to the audience how it was you got into the business of railroading children into a private for-profit prison?

MC: It didn't happen that way. It's all been a tragic misunderstanding.

Fortran: And yet your confederate in the crime plead guilty. 

MC: That's not admisable in court.

Fortran: This isn't that kind of court sir and we'll admit whatever the fuck evidence we want so shut your pie hole. Is that okay?

[loud applause]

MC: I think I'll be leaving ...

[MC gets up to depart]

[Diamond produces a black .45 calibre semi-auto and points it at MC]

MC: Jesus Christ!

Fortran: You should be so lucky ... no it's a lot worse than that actually. This is Diamond Darkatana, devouring goddess and destroyer of the world of men. She's taken some time out of her busy schedule murdering useless shitheads special to join us on the set. And I believe she's so hungry right now she can't even think straight. Isn't that right sweety?

Diamond: Straight think to cannot begin even. But I can shoot just fine.

[laughter and cheers]

Fortran: You really should sit down Mark before she puts a bullet through your fat head.

[MC sits down]

Fortran: That's better. So where were we oh yes ... evidence. According to court records you either accepted or extorted ... not sure which is worse really ... millions of dollars in kickbacks from PA Child Care ... what a sweet name for a children's prison seriously what deranged madman comes up with this crap ... kickbacks in appreciation for helping them keeping their prison beds full of children some as young a 10 years old.

MC: Those were convicted juvenile prisoners.

Fortran: Who you took into your court without legal representation and extracted terrified and confused confessions from. Isn't that right?

MC: The rules of juvenile court differ from adult courts.

[boos and jeers]

Fortran: Well guess what asshole ... Diamond sit down! ... the higher courts disagreed. After everyone figured out your scam essentially all of those convictions -- 4,000 worth -- were overturned as soon as your perfidy was revealed. After some bake sales and fund raisers many of them along with their families are right here in this audience waiting for the moment you are fed to the tiger. How about you take this final opportunity to say how sorry you are?

MC: I was doing the work of the court and will not appologize!

[loud bang as Diamond fires a round from .45 semi-auto]

[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]

Fortran: Diamond I wasn't finished with him.

Diamond: He's not even dead. Look I'll put him back ... uppsy daisy! You sit right here until sister is finished with you ... hey stop making so much noise it can't hurt that much. Just shut up already. Okay asshole ...

[Diamond hits MC with fist so hard he almost falls out of chair again]

Fortran: Diamond he can't answer questions with a broken jaw.

[Diamond returns to seat]

Diamond: He wasn't giving very useful answers anyway. Do carry on.

Fortran: Fine. So Mr. Ciavarella after your conviction and being sentences to 28 years in prison you were overheard complaining that the U.S. Assistant Attorney Gordon Zubrod ruined your career for no reason. We're thinking that you have 4,000 unjust convictions overturned is pretty much the end of your career anyway. What do you intend to do about it?

[loud bang as Diamond again fires .45 semi-auto]

[MC rolls screaming out of chair onto floor]

[thunderous applause]

Fortran: Diamond darling, you're wrecking it for me.

Diamond: Then don't invite me on the set next time.

[MC screaming and pleading for mercy]

Fortran: The show is called Fed to a Tiger so I needed an actual tiger. Wouldn't hurt you to cooperate a little.

Diamond: Look I'm not as patient as Kahli, okay? Can I just kill this sorry piece of shit now?


Fortran: Seems like the audience has had enough of him. Yeah sure go ahead.

[Diamond crosses stage picks up MC by back of coat]

Diamond: Say hi to that other useless fuck Joe Stalin for me won't you?

[Diamond hits MC in stomach so hard her arm goes right through him and out the back]

[MC wide eyed with shock gurgling death rattle]

[loud applause and cheering]

Fortran: Ooooh I like it.

Diamond: He's still alive. Well a little. What to set him on fire?

Fortran: [shaking head slowly] Nah. Do it.

[Diamond lifting MC to jaws and with fangs rips out throat blood runs everywhere]

[MC dies]

[loud sustained thunderous applause]

[Diamond lets MC slide off arm onto floor, produces hunting knife from behind her back]

Diamond: Time to feed the kitty.

Announcer: And that wraps up this edition of Fed to a Tiger, hosted by Fortran with the huntress Diamond standing in for Kahli. Our special guest was former judge Mark Ciavarella, greedy larcenous bastard and all around total asshole. Filmed live before a studio audience made up entirely of the young victims of his racketeering and their families. Tune in next time when we'll revisit Mr. Ciavarella after he has been reduced to a bucket of Diamond's excrement.

Diamond: Hey I told you last time that's nasty and you are not getting any of my shit.

Fortran: That would be a first.

Diamond: Shut up, slut.

Fortran: She's always grumpy like this at feeding time.

Announcer: So until next time, don't let yourself be ...

Audience: Fed to a Tiger!

[cheering and applause]

[roll credits]

Announcer: Diamond's weapons ensemble courtesy of Heckler & Koch and Masahiro of Japan. Leather by MacPherson. Fortran's outfit by Bebe. Our audio engineer tonight was Rose MacIntyre. All characters are fictitious. Any resemblance to a real asshole judge abusing the juvenile justice system for personal profit is strictly satirical. The cast, technical staff and host all wish Mr. Mark
Ciavarella Jr. and pleasant stay in prison where hopefully he will contemplate ways he might mend the many lives he has destroyed. But frankly if there was any way we could have legally fed him to a tiger, we absolutely would have.


  1. Replies
    1. Tempting. Might be too big a bite.

  2. Diamond deserves one of these for dealing with that phuckstick.

  3. .I have to admit that these stories make me sad when the reality sets in that they are only fiction. Maybe someday......


Would you like to have someone fed to a tiger? We're happy to take requests! Cat food should be well known, wealthy and/or influential, and lack all redeeming human qualities. Professional athletes, bankers, media personalities and politicians are all fair game.